How to be a Good Republican

# You have to believe that 8 years of national prosperity was due to the work of Ronald Reagan and George Bush but that, yesterday’s gas prices is all Clinton’s fault.

# You have to believe that those privileged from birth achieve success all on their own.

# You have to be against government programs, but expect Social Security checks on-time.

# You have to believe that government should stay out of people’s lives, except to regulate opposite-gender marriages, what your official language should be, and what form of birth control, if any, you should use.

# You have to believe that pollution is ok, as long as it makes a profit.

# You have to believe in prayer in schools, as long as you don’t pray to Allah or Buddha.

# You have to believe that only your own teenagers are still virgins.

# You have to believe that a woman cannot be trusted with decisions about her own body but that large multinational corporations should have no regulation or interference whatsoever.

# You love Jesus and Jesus loves you and, by the way, Jesus shares your hatred of AIDS victims, homosexuals, and President Clinton.

# You have to believe that society is colorblind and, growing up black in America doesn’t diminish your opportunities, but you still won’t vote for Alan Keyes.

# You have to believe that it was wise to allow Ken Starr to spend $50 million dollars to attack Clinton because no other U.S. presidents have ever been unfaithful to their wives.

# You have to believe that a waiting period for purchasing a handgun is bad because quick access to a new firearm is an important concern for all Americans.

# You have to believe it is wise to keep condoms out of schools, because we all know, if teenagers don’t have condoms, they won’t have sex.

# You have to believe that the ACLU is bad because they defend the Constitution, while the NRA is good because they defend the Constitution.

# You have to believe that socialism hasn’t worked anywhere, and that Europe doesn’t exist.

# You have to believe that the AIDS virus is not important enough to deserve federal funding proportionate to the resulting death rate and that the public doesn’t need to be educated about it, because if we just ignore it, it will go away.

# You have to believe that biology teachers are corrupting the morals of 6th graders if they teach them the basics of human sexuality, but the Bible, which is full of sex and violence, is good reading.

# You have to believe that Chinese communist missiles have killed more Americans than handguns, alcohol, and tobacco.

# You have to believe that even though governments have supported the arts for 5000 years and that, most of the great works of Renaissance art were paid for by governments, our government should shun any such support. After all, the rich can afford to buy their own and the poor don’t need any.

# You have to believe that the lumber from the last one percent of old growth U.S. forests is well worth the destruction of those forests andthe extinction of the several species of plants and animals therein.

# You have to believe that we should forgive and pray for Newt Gingrich, Henry Hyde, and Bob Livingston for their marital infidelities, but Clinton should have been impeached.


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    What an ingnorant bunch of crap. Anyone who honestly believes this is what republicans stand fore is just plain ignorant.


    Shut your mouth you gay loving alqueada communist nazi.
    You know nothing fuckin jew!!!!!

    nobody knows: The man who took sarcasm to another level a thousand stories up.


    I’m sorry, did a gay black liberal steal your sense of humor?


    Agreed. However there are many among the Republicans that filter around ignorant crap about Democrats as well.

    Some of it IS funny though.


    This must be why Clarence Thomas is a conservative too, right? Or of course the reason as to why President Obama was able to make it into office while he grew up under the Bush, ad Reagan administrations?

    Albeit, a great deal of this is funny, but there’s plenty to say about the Democratic party as well.


    Clinton hasn’t been president in nearly two decades. It’s the uppity Nigrah we need to Impeach. NOW!!!

    Mitt Romney-David Petraeus in 2012!! They will restore America to greatness!!!


    I should be embarrassed about this – I had no idea what Alan Keyes’ race was, I just thought he was fucking insane and that’s why I never backed him.

    This is what happens when you don’t watch TV for news. I’ve heard several interviews with him, he sounds white as buttercream.


    In all fairness you need this list also How to be a good Democrat 1. You have to believe the AIDS virus is spread by a lack of federal funding. 2. You have to believe that the same teacher who can’t teach fourth-graders how to read is somehow qualified to teach those same kids about sex. 3. You have to believe that guns in the hands of law-abiding Americans are more of a threat than U.S. nuclear weapons technology in the hands of Chinese communists. 4. You have to believe that there was no art before federal funding. 5. You… Read more »


    That’d be me, exactly.