Ear infection
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Add to favoritesThis is so true! They always ask at the doctor’s office why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what’s wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing.
There’s nothing worse than a Doctor’s Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients.
I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.
A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.
The Receptionist said, ‘Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?’
‘There’s something wrong with my dick’, he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, ‘You shouldn’t come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. ‘
‘Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,’ he said.
The Receptionist replied; ‘Now you’ve caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.’
The man replied, ‘You shouldn’t ask people questions in a roomful of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.
The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, ‘Yes??’
‘There’s something wrong with my ear,’ he stated.
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.. ‘And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?’
‘I can’t piss out of it,’ he replied.
The waiting room erupted in laughter…
via Naughty Bits.
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The best in Las Vegas
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Loading ...Add to favoritesA guy is strolling along Vegas Strip when a stunning hooker catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks, “How much?”
The Hooker replies, “$500 for a hand-job.” The guy’s jaw drops: “$500 dollars, For a hand-job! No hand-job is worth that kind of money!”
The hooker says, “Do you see that Hard Rock cafe on the corner?”
“Yes.”
“Do you see the Hard Rock about a block further down?”
“Yes.”
“And beyond that, do you see that third Cafe?”
“Yes.”
“Well,” says the hooker, smiling invitingly, “I own those. And, I own them because I give a hand-job that’s worth $500.”
The Guy says, “What the hell? I’ll give it a try.” They retire to a nearby motel. A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realizing that he just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500. He is so amazed, he says, “I suppose a blow-job is $1,000?” The hooker replies, “$1,500.”
“$1,500? No blow-job could be worth that.”
The hooker replies, “Step over here to the window, big boy. See that casino just across the street? I own it. And I own it because I give a blow-job that’s worth every cent of $1,500.”The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, says, “Sign me up.”
Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before. He can’t believe it but he feels he truly got his money’s worth. He decides to dip into the pension savings for one glorious and unforgettable experience. He asks the hooker, “How much for some pussy?”The hooker says, “Come over here to the window. Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us, all those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and showplaces?”
“Damn!” the guy says, in awe, “You own the whole city?”
“No,” the hooker replies, “but I would if I had a pussy.”
via Naughty Bits
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Two deer walk out of a gay bar…
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Loading ...Add to favorites…one turns to the other and says “I can’t believe I just blew 30 bucks in there.”
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Two rednecks decide to go to college…
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Loading ...Add to favoritesTwo rednecks, Bubba and Cooter, decide to go to college. Bubba goes first, and he is advised to take maths, history and logic.
– “What’s logic?” says Bubba.
– “Well, let me give you an example,” says the professor. “Do you own a tractor?”
– “Sure do,” says Bubba.
– “Okay. Then I assume, using logic, that you have a yard.”
– “That’s real good,” says Bubba, in awe.
– “Logic also tells me that since you have a yard, you also have a house. Is that right?”
– “Gawly!” says Bubba.
– “And since you own a house and a house is tough to take care of by yourself, the odds are that you have a wife. Right?”
– “Betty Mae! This is incredible!”
– “Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume you are heterosexual. Is that right?”
– “You are absolutely right! Why that’s the most fascinatin’ thang I ever heerd of. I can’t wait to take this here logic class!”
Bubba, proud of the new world opening up to him, goes back into the hallway where Cooter is waiting.
– “So what classes are ya takin’?” says Cooter.
– “Maths, history and logic,” says Bubba.
– “What in tarnation is logic?”
– “Let me give you an example,” says Bubba. “Do you own a tractor?”
– “No.”
– “Then you’re gay.”
via reddit.
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At a bar in Dublin…
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Loading ...Add to favoritesA woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a Bar in Dublin?.
She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, ‘What man here will buy a lady a drink?’Down at the end of the bar, an old drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed ‘Give the ballerina a drink!’
The bartender poured the drink and the woman drunk it. She turned again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, ‘What man here will buy a lady a drink?’
Once again, the same little drunk shouted ‘Give the ballerina another drink!’
The bartender approached the drunk and said ‘Tell me, Paddy, it’s your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her a ballerina?’
The drunk replied, ‘Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!’
via Naughty Bits.
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thermos blonde joke
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Loading ...Add to favoritesA blonde was shopping at Target and came across a shiny silver Thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and took It to the clerk to ask what it was.
The clerk said, ‘Why, that’s a Thermos….. It keeps hot things hot, and cold things cold.’
‘Wow’, said the blonde, ‘that’s amazing….I’m going to buy it!’
So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day. Her boss saw it on her desk. ‘What’s that,’ he asked?
‘Why, that’s a Thermos…. It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold,’ she replied.
Her boss inquired, ‘What do you have in it?’
The blond replied……’Two popsicles & some coffee.’
via Bits and Pieces.
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Alcohol is bad for my legs
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Loading ...Add to favoritesA man walks into a cocktail lounge and approaches Maxine sitting by herself.
“May I buy you a cocktail?”
“No thank you,” Maxine replies, “alcohol is bad for my legs.”
“Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?”
“No, they spread.”
via Naughty Bits
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a young entrepreneur once asked a wealthy elderly man how he got his wealth.
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Loading ...Add to favoritesa young entrepreneur once asked a wealthy elderly man how he got his wealth. The old man sat back in his chair and pondered for a moment. “Back in the great depression, when I was just a young boy, I found a nickle. With that nickle, I went to market and bought myself an apple. I shined it up, and sold it for a dime. The next day, I bought 2 apples, and shined them up and sold them each for a dime. Then, my uncle died and I inherited a million dollars.”
via reddit.
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A Teabagger, Union Member and a CEO are sitting at a table with a dozen cookies…
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Loading ...Add to favorites…the CEO immediately takes 11 cookies for himself. The CEO then turns to the teabagger and says, “Watch out for that union guy he wants part of your cookie.”
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The Perfect Husband
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Loading ...Add to favoritesTags: Humor
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club when a cellular phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: “Hello!”
WOMAN: “Hi Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?”
MAN: “Yes.”
WOMAN: “I’m at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It’s only $2,000; is it OK if I buy it?”
MAN: “Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.”
WOMAN: “I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked.”
MAN: “How much?”
WOMAN: “$90,000.”
MAN: “OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.”
WOMAN: “Great! Oh, and one more thing. I was just talking to Janie and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They’re asking $980,000 for it.”
MAN: “Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They’ll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand if it’s what you really want.”
WOMAN: “OK. I’ll see you later! I love you so much!”
MAN: “Bye! I love you, too.”
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.
He turns and asks, “Anyone know whose phone this is?”
via reddit.
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I asked a girl out to the prom…
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Loading ...Add to favoritesThe day of the prom, I go to a tailor to get a new suit- there was a long line. Next, I went to a limo service to rent a limo- there was an even longer line there. Next, I went to a flower shop to get the girl a batch of roses before picking her up- there was AN EVEN LONGER LINE there.
I pick her up and we go to the prom, there is a line to the entrance that soon resides. We go to the photo shoot to get a photo together, there is a line there too. We get hungry and decide to get food, there is a line there as well. We get thirsty, there is no punchline.
via reddit.
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You can say lots of bad things about pedophiles…
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Loading ...Add to favorites…but at least they drive slowly past schools.
via reddit.
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What’s special about a bulimic birthday party?
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Loading ...Add to favoritesWhat’s special about a bulimic birthday party?
The cake jumps out of the girl
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What was the last pizza order to the WTC?
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Loading ...Add to favoritesWhat was the last pizza order to the WTC?
Two large plains.
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Two unemployed cancer cells are talking…
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Loading ...Add to favoritesOne says to the other : “Hey – let’s go get Jobs.”
via Reddit.
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What’s the worst part about eating a vegetable?
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Loading ...Add to favoritesQ: "What’s the worst part about eating a vegetable?"
A: "Putting her back in the wheelchair."
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What’s the difference between Adolf Hitler and Michael Phelps?
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Loading ...Add to favoritesWhat’s the difference between Adolf Hitler and Michael Phelps?
Phelps can actually finish a race
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A Cup of Tea
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Loading ...Add to favoritesOne day my mother was out, and my dad was in charge of me.
I was maybe 2 1/2 years old. Someone had given me a little ‘tea set’ as a gift, and it was one of my favorite toys.
Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought him a little cup of ‘tea’, which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my mom came home.
My dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was ‘just the cutest thing!’ Mom waited, and sure enough, here I came down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy; and she watched him drink it up.
Then she said, (as only a mother would know), “‘Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water, is the toilet?”
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My favorite joke
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Loading ...Add to favoritesMy favorite joke is that one about Jonestown, but I stopped telling it because the punch line was too long.
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holy water
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Loading ...Add to favoritesA group of nuns are lined up to confess to the priest.
The first nun says, "Father, I have sinned. I looked at a man naked."
The priest says, "Put holy water on your eyes and say 10 hail Marys."
The next nun comes up and says, "Father, I have sinned. I touched a naked man in a sexual manner."
The priest says, "Was your hands in holy water and say 20 hail Marys."
The third nun approaches the priest and is about to speak when is a clamoring from the back of the church. Another nun comes running in going, "WAIT!"
The priest says, "What’s wrong?!"
The nun replies, "I need to gargle the holy water before Nancy sticks her ass in it."
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