Revisionist Pop Culture history would have us believe that idols are disposable plastic creations manufactured by reality TV shows or by record companies, a natural evolution from Franz Lizst through Elvis, to BTS. Idols are Mostly human, some digital, imbued with significance by screaming worshippers for as long as they remain marketable. All true enough but there were, for a time, living magical idols who made records. It’s easy to tell if a recording idol has magical powers in three ways: they cannot stand straight-legged, they look over 25 years old, sometimes even older, and they attract a cult following, sometimes of one or two people. Clockwise – kind of – from top left:

Chabelo, discovered in a cave in the Italian Alps. His arms were useless, the left one paralysed, the right one perma-stuck above his head. He had a mean kicking action, and when he kicked, he fell right off whatever he was sitting on. As he fell, he granted wishes, or maybe curses in a lost Alpine dialect, it’s hard to tell. Elf on a Shelf was inspired by Chabelo.

Milt Buckner: rub his bald patch and you got baby soft hands for five years, no matter how many pots you’d scrubbed in a lifetime. You had to get past his arms, he was a big hugger, legs too.

Batti Idol, Billy’s Finnish cousin. You might be thinking hangon, he had straight legs. Nope. They bent out to the sides. Batti could snap his rubber gloves and jangle whatever the hell that is on his belt and fully-formed doves, donuts and die-cast trucks would fly out of his perfectly-shaped love handles. That’s why Batti takes up the whole row. He was powerful.

Aberjikka, from Swaziland, the “Dali of Dung”, they called him. He could clean out a septic tank with his moustache and not get a whisker wet, and wistle while he did it. Sounds kind of shit, but if you’ve ever had a full septic tank and no radio reception, you’ll appreciate ol Aberjikka’s talents.

Mish Mosh, from Poland. Something to do with smallgoods. No-one’s telling.

Lastly, Roger Nusic, from Bolivia. Love Idol. He could fold a person and himself in that damp-looking musky loincloth and they would unroll in a state of complete bliss that lasted for seven years. Roger got crushed up and used in and early illegal Ecstasy batch; it’s no wonder old Manchester ravers say the drugs aren’t what they used to be these days.

Apart from Roger Nusic, the rest were all killed within weeks of each other in 1988. It’s hard to kill a thousands’ year old idol, but if you straighten their legs out, they don’t last long. Why they all got assassinated, no-one knows, who’s telling. It’s kind of sad that their odd magics are forever lost to the music industry and their adoring followers. Maybe one will rise out from somewhere, though with the way things are these days, it’s likelier that a leprechaun will be the next K-Pop star.

[Yes, these are getting shorter]