I need tearable puns

Give me your most terrible puns please, I’m making a sheet to tear them from.


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    kezia347

    a backwards poet writes inverse……..if you dont pay your exorcist you get repossessed…….no matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll be stationary….two peanuts walked in to a bar…one was a salted….a dyslexic man walked in to a bra..what do you call a fish with no eye’s? a fsh.

    Queensly

    Three blokes go into a pub. One of them is a little bit stupid, and the whole scene unfolds with a tedious inevitability.

    blobalob
    Zod

    The professor realized her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground. A will is a dead giveaway. In today’s world of technology, paper calendar’s days are numbered. A boiled egg is hard to beat. Corduroy pillows are making head lines. I once entered ten puns into a pun contest, hoping at least one of them would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did. A string walks into a bar and tries to order a drink. The bartender replies, “Sorry, we don’t serve your type here.” The string is infuriated and storms out of the bar. He paces around and roughs… Read more »

    dogsurfer

    The dejected string visits a local psychologist. The room is filled with pictures of Sigmund Freud; books, papers, and even a plaster bust.
    String asked, “Isn’t this a bit much?”
    Psychologist replied, “No, sir. I’m a Freud Nut”.

    AustinDav

    Ethan Allen and Paul Revere are sitting in a tavern, talking about how the revolution is going, when they notice a woman at the bar.
    “Dude! You know that loyalist spy we’ve been after?” says Allen.
    “Yeah, ain’t that his chick?”
    “Yeah, I think I got a plan. As soon as she leaves, I’m gonna sneak out behind her and she’ll lead me to him. I’m gonna follow that chick and catch a Tory.”

    crewmanguy

    Man walk into a bar, he says ouch.

    titanzero

    Two drums and a cymbal fall from a tree. Boom, boom tist.

    that facebook plug in makes stalking easier, no pun intended

    Ep

    Time flies like an Arrow. Fruit Flies like a banana. If quizzes are quizzical what are tests? Why is the word “abbreviated” so long? Practice safe eating – always use condiments. Are people from Charlotte NC referred to as Charlatans? Should the skin on your forehead technically be called foreskin? I spilled spot remover on my dog, and now he’s gone. Did you hear the joke about the sidewalk? It’s all over town. Did you hear about the new corduroy pillows? They’re making headlines. Never milk a cow during a lightning storm. If the cow is hit you’ll be left… Read more »

    MaiNiaC_MicHaeL

    Wow. I laughed my ass off at a few of these. Why the low rating?

    casemods

    Aquaman43

    A dwarf, who was a mystic, escaped from jail. The call went out that there was a small medium at large.

    Queensly

    Why do I get the feeling that Tiki has bought another domain?

    gak67

    Pun 1: There was a pun competition. I submitted 10 puns but the first one didn’t win, nor the second. In fact no pun in ten did. Pun 2: A pacific island chief used to visit all the tribes he controlled on a regular basis, and each of these tribes used to try and out do each other with gifts given to the chief. One of the tribes one day gave the chief a throne, which he really liked. Word soon spread that he liked the throne, so each tribe gave him a bigger and better throne. He had so… Read more »

    gak67

    Are the name jokes puns?

    What do you call a man hung on the wall? Art.
    What do you call a man with no arms or legs in the ocean? Bob.
    What do you call a woman with one leg shorter than the other? Ilene.
    What do you call a Japanese woman with one leg shorter than the other? Irene.
    etc.

    I have many more if you want them.

    ErryDayDuck

    Please no.

    johns

    2 baby seals walk in to a club

    RSIxidor

    FUCK YOU

    FUCK YOU RIGHT IN YOUR FUCKING ASS YOU DESPICABLE PILE OF FECAL WASTE

    RobDollars

    horse walks into a bar. the bartenders ask “why the long face?”

    a grasshopper walks into a bar and the bartender says “you know we got a drink named after you” the grasshopper says “really? you got a drink named greg?”

    RSIxidor

    Bartender responds, “Oh, I thought your name was Grog. Never mind, then.”

    barcrest

    Why did the monkey fall out the tree? Cause it was dead.

    Englishman, American and an iraqi at a bust stop, what a fine example of an intergrated community.

    Qball

    Wise man say, Man who stands on toilet high on pot.

    MaiNiaC_MicHaeL

    Confucius

    insanonaut

    This is not a pun, just a joke. A man walks into a bar, looks at the bartender and says, “I want a drink, but I have no money.” The bartender says, “I’ll make you a deal. I have a donkey out back. If you can make him laugh I will get you a drink on the house.” The man walks out back, whispers in the donkeys ear and the donkey starts laughing. He walks back in and the bartender says, “I don’t know how you did that, but here is a drink.” Some time goes by and the man… Read more »

    ErryDayDuck

    Why the fuck would you post if you know it isn’t a pun? OP wants puns.

    sykotik

    Tiki: Safe Browsing Diagnostic page for nsfw.myconfinedspace.com What is the current listing status for nsfw.myconfinedspace.com? Site is listed as suspicious – visiting this web site may harm your computer. Part of this site was listed for suspicious activity 1 time(s) over the past 90 days. What happened when Google visited this site? Of the 14 pages we tested on the site over the past 90 days, 1 page(s) resulted in malicious software being downloaded and installed without user consent. The last time Google visited this site was on 2012-07-18, and the last time suspicious content was found on this site… Read more »

    maxcw

    I got the same thing today.

    #makecasemdsgreatagain

    internet std’s

    sykotik

    I do apologize about putting it in the puns post, but I couldn’t figure out how to directly message Tiki about it.

    Dyon 86

    same

    jrsm

    I came in here to post the very same thing…

    J

    These are not very punny.

    I have no intention of hanging around hear and taking this punishment.

    draikyn

    three men walked into a bar. You’d think one of them would have seen it.

    A mushroom walks into a bar an orders a drink. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve your kind”. The mushroom says, “Why not? I’m a fun-guy”.

    Graceless

    A man’s home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

    WistfulD

    How warm does a Tan Tan keep you if you have to cut it open and use it as emergency shelter? Luke warm.

    The village elder was at least 100 years old and very frail. Plus he never wore shoes or brushed his teeth. He was a SuperCallusedFragileMysticVexedWithHalitosis.

    d

    When chemists die, they barium. Jokes about German sausage are the wurst. I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time. How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me. This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore. I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can’t put it down. I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words. They told me I had type-A blood, but… Read more »