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judon’t know who you’re messing with

2 votes, average: 2.50 out of 52 votes, average: 2.50 out of 52 votes, average: 2.50 out of 52 votes, average: 2.50 out of 52 votes, average: 2.50 out of 5 (2 votes, average: 2.50 out of 5)
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Posted in Affiliate Program on September 27th, 2009 by | Report This Post | FavoriteLoadingAdd to favorites
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judont know who youre messing with judon’t know who you’re messing with rss post

 judon’t know who you’re messing with rss post
 judon’t know who you’re messing with rss post

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i was not aware that bird is the word

4 votes, average: 2.00 out of 54 votes, average: 2.00 out of 54 votes, average: 2.00 out of 54 votes, average: 2.00 out of 54 votes, average: 2.00 out of 5 (4 votes, average: 2.00 out of 5)
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i was not aware that bird is the word i was not aware that bird is the word rss post

 i was not aware that bird is the word rss post
 i was not aware that bird is the word rss post

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what’s your southern astrological sign?

2 votes, average: 3.00 out of 52 votes, average: 3.00 out of 52 votes, average: 3.00 out of 52 votes, average: 3.00 out of 52 votes, average: 3.00 out of 5 (2 votes, average: 3.00 out of 5)
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Some people (especially Southerners) are pretty skeptical of horoscopes, and it has become obvious that what they need are their own “Southern” astrological signs.

OKRA (Dec 22 – Jan 20)
Although you appear crude, you are actually very slick on the inside. Okras have tremendous influence. An older Okra can look back over his life and see the seeds of his influence everywhere. Stay away from Moon Pies.

CHITLIN (Jan 21 – Feb 19)
Chitlins come from humble backgrounds. A chitlin, however, can make something of himself if he’s motivated and has lots of seasoning. In dealing with Chitlins, be careful. They can erupt like Vesuvius. Chitlins are best with Catfish and Okra.

BOLL WEEVIL (Feb 20 – Mar 20)
You have an overwhelming curiosity. You’re unsatisfied with the surface of things, and you feel the need to bore deep into the interior of everything. Needless to say, you are very intense and driven as if you had some inner hunger. Nobody in their right mind is going to marry you, so don’t worry about it.

MOON PIE (Mar 21 – Apr 20)
You’re the type that spends a lot of time on the front porch. It’s a cinch to recognize the physical appearance of Moon Pies. Big and round are the key words here. You should marry anybody who you can get remotely interested in the idea. It’s not going to be easy. This might be the year to think about aerobics. Or – maybe not.

POSSUM (Apr 21 – May 21)
When confronted with life’s difficulties, possums have a marked tendency to withdraw and develop a don’t-bother-me-about-it attitude. Sometimes you become so withdrawn, people actually think you’re dead. This strategy is probably not psychologically healthy, but seems to work for you. One day, however, it won’t work and you may find your problems actually running you over.

CRAWFISH (May 22 – June 21)
Crawfish is a water sign. If you work in an office, you’re always hanging around the water cooler. Crawfish prefer the beach to the mountains, the pool to the golf course, the bathtub to the living room. You tend to be not particularly attractive physically, but you have very, very good heads.

COLLARDS (June 22 – July 23)
Collards have a genius for communication. They love to get in the “melting pot” of life and share their essence with the essence of those round them. Collards make good social workers, psychologists, and baseball managers. As far as your personal life goes, if you are Collards, stay away from Moon Pies. It just won’t work. Save yourself a lot of heartache.

CATFISH (July 24 – Aug 23)
Catfish are traditionalists in matters of the heart, although one whiskers may cause problems for loved ones. You catfish are never easy people to understand. You prefer the muddy bottoms to the clear surface of life. Above all else, Catfish should stay away from Moon Pies.

GRITS (Aug 24 – Sept 23)
Your highest aim is to be with others like yourself. You like to huddle together with a big crowd of other Grits. You love to travel though, so maybe you should think about joining a club. Where do you like to go? Anywhere they have cheese or gravy or bacon or butter or eggs. If you can go somewhere where they have all these things, that serves you well.

BOILED PEANUTS (Sept 24 – Oct 23)
You have a passionate desire to help your fellow man. Unfortunately, those who know you best – your friends and loved ones – may find that your personality is much too salty, and their criticism will probably affect you deeply because you are really much softer than you appear. You should go right ahead and marry anybody you want to because in a certain way, yours is a charmed life. On the road of life, you can be sure that people will always pull over and stop for you.

BUTTER BEAN (Oct 24 – Nov 22)
Always invite a Butter Bean because Butter Beans get along well with everybody. You, as a Butter Bean, should be proud. You’ve grown on the vine of life and you feel at home no matter what the setting. You can sit next to anybody. However, you, too, shouldn’t have anything to do with Moon Pies.

ARMADILLO (Nov 23 – Dec 21)
You have a tendency to develop a tough exterior, but you are actually quite gentle. A good evening for you? Old friends, a fire, some roots, fruit, worms and insects. You are a throwback. You’re not concerned with today’s fashions and trends. You’re not concerned with anything about today. You’re really almost prehistoric in your interests and behavior patterns. You probably want to marry another Armadillo, but Possum is another somewhat kinky, mating possibility.

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I fucked your mom

7 votes, average: 5.00 out of 57 votes, average: 5.00 out of 57 votes, average: 5.00 out of 57 votes, average: 5.00 out of 57 votes, average: 5.00 out of 5 (7 votes, average: 5.00 out of 5)
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Posted in Affiliate Program on September 25th, 2009 by | Report This Post | FavoriteLoadingAdd to favorites
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Three guys are drinking in a bar, when another man comes in and starts drinking at the bar. After a while he approaches the guys, and pointing at the one in the middle, shouts I’ve fucked your mom!” The three guys look bewildered and the man resumes drinking at the bar. Ten minutes later he comes back and screams, “Your mom’s sucked my cock!” Ten more minutes and the same thing happens. He announces loudly, I’ve had your mom up the ass!” The young guys have had enough of this, and the one in the middle stands up and shouts, Dad, you’re fuck’n drunk, go home!”

via Thur Sept 24 « Lefturn’s Funny Shit.

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what the what

2 votes, average: 3.00 out of 52 votes, average: 3.00 out of 52 votes, average: 3.00 out of 52 votes, average: 3.00 out of 52 votes, average: 3.00 out of 5 (2 votes, average: 3.00 out of 5)
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Posted in Affiliate Program on September 25th, 2009 by | Report This Post | FavoriteLoadingAdd to favorites

what the what what the what

 what the what
 what the what

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veronica vaughn, so hot

5 votes, average: 1.80 out of 55 votes, average: 1.80 out of 55 votes, average: 1.80 out of 55 votes, average: 1.80 out of 55 votes, average: 1.80 out of 5 (5 votes, average: 1.80 out of 5)
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Posted in Affiliate Program on September 24th, 2009 by | Report This Post | FavoriteLoadingAdd to favorites

veronica vaughn so hot veronica vaughn, so hot

 veronica vaughn, so hot
 veronica vaughn, so hot

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African Roulette

5 votes, average: 2.60 out of 55 votes, average: 2.60 out of 55 votes, average: 2.60 out of 55 votes, average: 2.60 out of 55 votes, average: 2.60 out of 5 (5 votes, average: 2.60 out of 5)
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Posted in Affiliate Program on September 24th, 2009 by | Report This Post | FavoriteLoadingAdd to favorites

President Clinton was being entertained by an African leader. They’d spent the day discussing what the country had received from the Russians before the new government kicked them out.

“The Russians built us a power plant, a highway, and an airport. Plus we learned to drink vodka and play Russian roulette.”

President Clinton frowned. “Russian roulette’s not a friendly, nice game.”

The African leader smiled. “That’s why we developed African roulette. If you want to have good relations with our country, you’ll have to play. I’ll show you how.”

He pushed a buzzer, and a moment later six magnificently built, nude women were ushered in. “You can choose any one of these women to give you oral sex,” he told Clinton.

This gained Clinton’s immediate attention, and he was ready to make his choice, when a thought occurred to him. “How on earth is this related to Russian roulette?”

The African leader said “One of them is a cannibal.”

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stock market fail

3 votes, average: 3.67 out of 53 votes, average: 3.67 out of 53 votes, average: 3.67 out of 53 votes, average: 3.67 out of 53 votes, average: 3.67 out of 5 (3 votes, average: 3.67 out of 5)
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Posted in Affiliate Program on September 23rd, 2009 by | Report This Post | FavoriteLoadingAdd to favorites

stock market fail stock market fail

 stock market fail
 stock market fail

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Military Bonus Requirement

11 votes, average: 4.55 out of 511 votes, average: 4.55 out of 511 votes, average: 4.55 out of 511 votes, average: 4.55 out of 511 votes, average: 4.55 out of 5 (11 votes, average: 4.55 out of 5)
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Posted in Affiliate Program on September 23rd, 2009 by | Report This Post | FavoriteLoadingAdd to favorites

The Pentagon recently found it had too many generals and offered an early retirement bonus.

They promised any general who retired right away, his full annual benefits plus $10,000 for every inch measured in a straight line along the retiring general’s body between any two points he chose.

The first general accepted. He asked the pension man to measure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. Six feet. He walked out with a check for $720,000.

The second general asked them to measure from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. 8 feet. He walked away with a check $960,000.

Meantime, the first general had tipped off the third as to the additional bonus check.

When the third general was asked where to measure, he told the pension man, “from the tip of my penis, to the bottom of my testicles.”

The pension man said that would be fine, but he’d better get the Medical Officer to do the measuring.

The Medical Officer attended and asked the general to drop his pants…he did…. The Medical Officer placed the tape on the tip of the general’s penis and began to work back.

“My God!” he said, “where are your testicles?!”

The general replied, “Back in Nam!”

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A fly in your beer?

8 votes, average: 4.25 out of 58 votes, average: 4.25 out of 58 votes, average: 4.25 out of 58 votes, average: 4.25 out of 58 votes, average: 4.25 out of 5 (8 votes, average: 4.25 out of 5)
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Posted in Affiliate Program on September 22nd, 2009 by | Report This Post | FavoriteLoadingAdd to favorites

An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walk into a pub together. They each buy a pint of Guinness. Just as they are about to enjoy their creamy beverages, a fly lands in each of their pints and gets stuck in the head.

The Englishman pushes his beer away in disgust.

The Scotsman fishes the fly out and continues drinking as if nothing happened.

The Irishman also picks the fly out of his drink, but then holds it out over the beer and yells, “Spit it out! Spit it out, you bastard!”

via The Beer Goggler | Sometimes, All It Takes Is One More Drink….

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schwing

3 votes, average: 4.00 out of 53 votes, average: 4.00 out of 53 votes, average: 4.00 out of 53 votes, average: 4.00 out of 53 votes, average: 4.00 out of 5 (3 votes, average: 4.00 out of 5)
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Posted in Affiliate Program on September 22nd, 2009 by | Report This Post | FavoriteLoadingAdd to favorites

schwing schwing

 schwing
 schwing

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I am a conservative!

13 votes, average: 4.08 out of 513 votes, average: 4.08 out of 513 votes, average: 4.08 out of 513 votes, average: 4.08 out of 513 votes, average: 4.08 out of 5 (13 votes, average: 4.08 out of 5)
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Posted in Affiliate Program on September 21st, 2009 by | Report This Post | FavoriteLoadingAdd to favorites

This morning I was awoken by my alarm clock powered by electricity generated by the public power monopoly regulated by the US department of energy. I then took a shower in the clean water provided by the municipal water utility. After that, I turned on the TV to one of the FCC regulated channels to see what the national weather service of the national oceanographic and atmospheric administration determined the weather was going to be like using satellites designed, built, and launched by the national aeronautics and space administration. I watched this while eating my breakfast of US department of agriculture inspected food and taking the drugs which have been determined as safe by the food and drug administration.At the appropriate time as regulated by the US congress and kept accurate by the national institute of standards and technology and the US naval observatory, I get into my national highway traffic safety administration approved automobile and set out to work on the roads build by the local, state, and federal departments of transportation, possibly stopping to purchase additional fuel of a quality level determined by the environmental protection agency, using legal tender issued by the federal reserve bank. On the way out the door I deposit any mail I have to be sent out via the US postal service and drop the kids off at the public school.After spending another day not being maimed or killed at work thanks to the workplace regulations imposed by the department of labor and the occupational safety and health administration, enjoying another two meals which again do not kill me because of the USDA, I drive my NHTSA car back home on the DOT roads, to my house which has not burned down in my absence because of the state and local building codes and fire marshal's inspection, and which has not been plundered of all its valuables thanks to the local police department.I then log on to the internet which was developed by the defense advanced research projects administration and post on freerepublic.com and fox news forums about how SOCIALISM in medicine is BAD because the government can't do anything right.

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radical

4 votes, average: 3.00 out of 54 votes, average: 3.00 out of 54 votes, average: 3.00 out of 54 votes, average: 3.00 out of 54 votes, average: 3.00 out of 5 (4 votes, average: 3.00 out of 5)
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Posted in Affiliate Program on September 21st, 2009 by | Report This Post | FavoriteLoadingAdd to favorites

radical radical

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Poor Doug

7 votes, average: 4.43 out of 57 votes, average: 4.43 out of 57 votes, average: 4.43 out of 57 votes, average: 4.43 out of 57 votes, average: 4.43 out of 5 (7 votes, average: 4.43 out of 5)
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Posted in Affiliate Program on September 21st, 2009 by | Report This Post | FavoriteLoadingAdd to favorites

Doug sat at the bar drowning his sorrows — he’d had a bad day. First, his wife left him for a phys-ed teacher and he found his car had been keyed in the middle of the night. When he arrived at work, he was told his job had been made redundant and he was no longer needed. To top it all off, his doctor’s office called with his test results; Doug had herpes. Probably from the phys-ed teacher.

And so Doug was pounding shots of tequila between sobs. A man sitting at the other end of the bar watched him intently for a few minutes before weaving his way carefully to Doug’s stool.

“Buddy, you look like you’re having a hell of a day,” he slurred.

“You don’t know the half of it,” Doug replied, sniffling.

“Let me cheer you up,” the man said. “I want to show you something.”

The drunk man led Doug over to a window and pointed to the alley four floors below. He explained that the way the buildings were built allowed a thermal to rush up the alley whenever a subway train went by underground. This thermal, the man insisted, was so powerful that it would hold a man in the air and gently lower him to the ground as it dissipated.

“So basically, you’d feel like you were flying,” the man finished.

Doug expressed his disbelief and the man said he’d prove it. He waited until a train rumbled by and leaped out the window. Unbelievably, the man hovered serenely just outside the window before floating slowly toward the ground. As he regained his footing, he looked up at Doug and yelled, “Now you try it!”

Doug waited a few minutes until he could hear a train. He climbed up onto the window sill, took a deep breath, jumped… and plummeted to his death on the concrete below, screaming all the way.

A waitress happened to be walking by and poked her head out the window only to see the drunk man standing over Doug’s spattered remains, giggling to himself. She grimaced and called down to him, “Superman, you are SUCH a prick when you’re drinking.”

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blonde handyman

2 votes, average: 5.00 out of 52 votes, average: 5.00 out of 52 votes, average: 5.00 out of 52 votes, average: 5.00 out of 52 votes, average: 5.00 out of 5 (2 votes, average: 5.00 out of 5)
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Posted in Affiliate Program on September 21st, 2009 by | Report This Post | FavoriteLoadingAdd to favorites

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

“Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?”
The blonde said, “How about 50 dollars?” The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man’s wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, “Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?”
The man replied, “She should. She was standing on the porch.”

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
“You’re finished already?” he asked. “Yes,” the blonde answered, “and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. “Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. “And by the way,” the blonde added, “that’s not a Porch, it’s a Ferrari.”

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monster clash

2 votes, average: 3.50 out of 52 votes, average: 3.50 out of 52 votes, average: 3.50 out of 52 votes, average: 3.50 out of 52 votes, average: 3.50 out of 5 (2 votes, average: 3.50 out of 5)
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Posted in Affiliate Program on September 20th, 2009 by | Report This Post | FavoriteLoadingAdd to favorites

monster clash monster clash

 monster clash
 monster clash

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Signs Your Grandparents Are Still Sexually Active

5 votes, average: 2.00 out of 55 votes, average: 2.00 out of 55 votes, average: 2.00 out of 55 votes, average: 2.00 out of 55 votes, average: 2.00 out of 5 (5 votes, average: 2.00 out of 5)
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# Pair of edible Depends found on bedroom floor.

# Lately, at night, they put their teeth in the same glass.

# Grandpa grabs his crotch and complains loudly of “denture-burn.”

# Not only do you hear the bed squeaking, but also joints.

# Granny found cuffed to her walker.

# Grandmother starts baking Viagra-chip cookies.

# Your “Grandma” is Anna Nicole Smith.

# You’ve just seen the photos in the “Beaver Hunt” section of Hustler.

# Grandma regularly looks at Grandpa’s crotch and claps twice.

# Kraft-matic Adjustable Bed set for “doggy style.”

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Bob was in trouble

7 votes, average: 4.14 out of 57 votes, average: 4.14 out of 57 votes, average: 4.14 out of 57 votes, average: 4.14 out of 57 votes, average: 4.14 out of 5 (7 votes, average: 4.14 out of 5)
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Posted in Affiliate Program on September 19th, 2009 by | Report This Post | FavoriteLoadingAdd to favorites

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.

She told him “Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!”

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.

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it’s on like a prawn who yawns at dawn

7 votes, average: 2.86 out of 57 votes, average: 2.86 out of 57 votes, average: 2.86 out of 57 votes, average: 2.86 out of 57 votes, average: 2.86 out of 5 (7 votes, average: 2.86 out of 5)
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its on like a prawn who yawns at dawn it’s on like a prawn who yawns at dawn

 it’s on like a prawn who yawns at dawn
 it’s on like a prawn who yawns at dawn

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charitable lawyer

7 votes, average: 4.29 out of 57 votes, average: 4.29 out of 57 votes, average: 4.29 out of 57 votes, average: 4.29 out of 57 votes, average: 4.29 out of 5 (7 votes, average: 4.29 out of 5)
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Posted in Affiliate Program on September 18th, 2009 by | Report This Post | FavoriteLoadingAdd to favorites

A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town’s most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

“Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn’t you like to give back to the community in some way?”

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, “First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?”

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, “Um … no.”

The lawyer interrupts, “or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?”

The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.

“or that my sister’s husband died in a traffic accident,” the lawyer’s voice rising in indignation, “leaving her penniless with three children?!”

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, “I had no idea…”

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, “So if I don’t give any money to them, why should I give any to you?”

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