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no shoes, no pants, service
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redneck on death row
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Loading ...Add to favoritesThere was a German, an Italian and a Redneck on death row. The warden gave them a choice of three ways to die:
1. to be shot
2. to be hung
3. to be injected with the AIDS virus for a slow death.
So the German said, “Shoot me right in the head.” Boom, he was dead instantly.
Then the Italian said, “Just hang me.” Snap! he was dead.
Then the Redneck said, “Give me some of that AIDS stuff.” They gave him the shot, and the redneck fell down laughing.
The guards looked at each other and wondered what was wrong with this guy.
Then the Redneck said, “Give me another one of those shots,” so the guards did. Now he was laughing so hard, tears rolled from his eyes and he doubled over.
Finally the warden said, “What’s wrong with you?” The Redneck replied, “You guys are so stupid….. I’m wearing a condom.”
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my stepmom is a smilf
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suspected thief
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Loading ...Add to favoritesA man got a job as a night watchman at a factory. There had been a lot of thefts by the workers on the night shift, and so every morning when the night shift workers passed through his gate it was his job to check their bags and pockets to make sure that nothing was being stolen.
Things were going along very well the first night on the job until a man pushing a wheelbarrow of newspaper came through his gate. Aha, he thought, that man thinks he can cover up what he is stealing with that newspaper. So he removed the paper only to find nothing. Still he felt that the man was acting strangely, so he questioned him about the paper.
“I get a little extra money from newspapers I recycle, so I go into the lunchroom and pick up all the ones people have thrown away.” The guard let him pass, but decided to keep a close eye on him. The next night it was the same, and the night after that. Week after week it went on. The same guy would push the wheelbarrow of newspapers past the guard’s checkpoint. The guard would always check and find nothing.
Then one night, about a year later, the guard reported for work only to find a message had been left for him telling him to report to his supervisor. He walked into the supervisor’s office and before he could say a word, the boss said, “You’re fired!”
“Fired?” he asked in total surprise. “Why? What did I do?”
“It was your job to make sure that no one stole anything from this plant and you have failed. So you’re fired.”
“Wait a minute, what do you mean failed. Nobody ever stole anything from this place while I was on guard.”
“Oh, really,” the boss answered. “Then how do you account for the fact that there are over 250 wheelbarrows missing?”
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miss lippy’s car is green
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elderly woman drivers
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Loading ...Add to favoritesTwo elderly women were out driving in a large car — both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along they came to an intersection.
The stoplight was red but they just went on through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself “I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light.”
After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and the light was red again and again they went right through. This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through and she turned to the other woman and said, “Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row! You could have killed us!”
Mildred turned to her and said “Oh, am I driving?”
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mccain in the membrane
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Wrong Way Herman
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Loading ...Add to favoritesAs a 100 year old man was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife’s voice urgently warning him, “Herman, I just heard on the news that there’s a car going the wrong way on I-280. Please be careful!”
“Hell,” said Herman, “it’s not just one car. It’s hundreds of them!”
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Shickamaru Vs Sokka
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Loading ...Add to favoritesSokka from Avatar, Shikamaru from Naruto, I dont care what the confrontation is, I just wanna see it.
from Drawfor.me. Go there and submit an image. If you have an account on MCS, it’ll work there too.
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Car Names Explained
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Loading ...Add to favorites# Audi
* Always Unsafe Designs Implemented
# BMW
* Big Money Works
* Bought My Wife
* Brutal Money Waster
* Bimbette Motor Weapon
* Break My Window
# Buick
* Big Ugly Indestructible Car Killer
# Chevrolet
* Can Hear Every Valve Rap On Long Extended Trips
* Cheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually Runs On Luck Every Time
* Cheap Heap, Every Valve Rattles, Oil Leaks Every Time
* Condition Hopeless, Entire Vehicle Relies On Leftover Engine Technology
# Dodge
* Drips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere
* Dem Old Dudes Go Everywhere
* Dead or Dying Gas Eater
* Dear Old Dad’s Geriatric Express
# Fiat
* Failure in Italian Automotive Technology
* Fix It All the Time
* Fix it again, Tony!
# Ford
* First On Recall Day
* First On Race Day
* First On Rust and Deterioration
* Fix Or Repair Daily
* Found On Road, Dead
* Fault Of R&D
* Fast Only Rolling Downhill
* Features O.J. and Ron’s DNA
* Found On Russian Dump
# GM
* General Maintenance
* Great Mistake
# GMC
* Garage Man’s Companion
* Got A Mechanic Coming?
# Honda
* Had One Never Did Again
# Hyundai
* Hope You Understand Nothing’s Driveable And Inexpensive
# Mazda
* Most Always Zipping Dangerously Along
# Oldsmobile
* Old Ladies Driving Slowly Make Others Behind Infuriatingly Late Everywhere
* Overpriced, Leisurely Driven Sedan Made Of Buick’s Irregular Leftover Equipment
# Pinto
* Put In New Transmission Often
# Pontiac
* Poor Old Neanderthal Thinks It’s A Cadillac
# Saab
* Send Another Automobile Back
* Swedish Automobiles Always Breakdown.
* Sorry Arsed Auto Builders
# Toyota
* Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto
# Volvo
* Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object
* Vehicles Of Low Velocity Owners
# VW
* Virtually Worthless
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make love not beds
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A Medical Funeral
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Loading ...Add to favoritesA famous heart specialist doctor died and everyone was gathered at his funeral. A regular coffin was displayed in front of a huge heart.
When the minister finished with the sermon and after everyone said their good-byes, the heart was opened, the coffin rolled inside, and the heart closed.
Just at that moment one of the mourners started laughing. The guy next to him asked: “Why are you laughing?”
“I was thinking about my own funeral” the man replied.
“What’s so funny about that?”
“I’m a gynecologist.”
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if ya smell what barack is cookin
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B.A. MS Paint Masterpieces
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Loading ...Add to favoritesI want to see some bad ass creations using nothing but MS Paint as your tool. The term “bad ass” is meant to be loose … so I want to see Chuck Norris as the Mona Lisa, I wanna see some explosions, robo-dinosaurs, space ninjas … whatever! Just make it bad ass!
Example of potential MS Paint badassery:
bored-bored.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/07/jack-sparrow-paint.jpg
from Drawfor.me. Go there and submit an image. If you have an account on MCS, it’ll work there too.
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we don’t sell to blondes
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Loading ...Add to favoritesA blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain. “I want to buy this TV,” she told the salesman.
“Sorry, we don’t sell to blondes,” he replied.
She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman, “I would like to buy this TV.”
“Sorry, we don’t sell to blondes,” he replied.
“Darn, he recognized me,” she thought. She went for a complete disguise this time, haircut and perm, new outfit, big sunglasses, then waited a few days before she again approached the salesman.
“I’d like to buy this TV.”
“Sorry, we don’t sell to blondes,” he replied.
Frustrated, she exclaimed “How do you know I’m a blonde?”
“Because that’s a microwave,” he replied.
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What Doctors Say… and what they’re really thinking
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Loading ...Add to favorites “This should be taken care of right away.”
I’d planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself.
“Welllllll, what have we here…?”
He has no idea and is hoping you’ll give him a clue.
“Let me check your medical history.”
I want to see if you paid your last bill before spending anymore time with you.
“Why don’t we make another appointment later in the week.”
I’m playing golf this afternoon, and this a waste of time..or..I need the bucks, so I’m charging you for another office visit.
“I have some good news and some bad news.”
The good news is, I’m going to buy that new BMW. The bad news is, you’re going to pay for it.
“Let’s see how it develops.”
Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that can be cured.
“Let me schedule you for some tests.”
I have 40% interest in the lab.
“I’d like to have my associate look at you.”
He’s going through a messy divorce and owes me a bundle.
“I’d like to prescribe a new drug.”
I’m writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig.
“If it doesn’t clear up in a week, give me a call.”
I don’t know what it is. Maybe it will go away by itself.
“That’s quite a nasty looking wound.”
I think I’m going to throw up.
“This may smart a little.”
Last week two patients bit off their tongues.
“Well, we’re not feeling so well today, are we…?”
I’m stalling for time. Who are you and why are you here?
“This should fix you up.”
The drug company slipped me some big bucks to prescribe this stuff.
“Everything seems to be normal.”
Rats! I guess I can’t buy that new beach condo after all.
“I’d like to run some more tests.”
I can’t figure out what’s wrong maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one.
“Do you suppose all this stress could be affecting your nerves?”
You’re crazier’n an outhouse rat. Now, if I can only find a shrink who’ll split fees with me…”
“There is a lot of that going around.”
My God, that’s the third one this week. I’d better learn something about this.
“If those symptoms persist, call for an appointment.”
I’ve never heard of anything so disgusting. Thank God I’m off next week!
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idontgetit
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i like it on top
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Three Blond Guys
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Loading ...Add to favoritesThree blond guys are standing on one side of a river near a wishing well, trying to figure out how to cross the river.
The first guy went to the wishing well and said “I want to be smart so I can get across the river.” So the wishing well made his hair brown. Then he swam across the river.
The second guy went up to the wishing well and said, “I want to be smarter. And I don’t want to get wet like that first guy.” After his hair turned black he built a boat and sailed across the river.
The third guy went to the well and said, “I want to be the smartest of all. I don’t want to get wet, and don’t want to work too hard at this.” The well turned him into a women and she walked across on the bridge.
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How to be a Good Republican
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Loading ...Add to favoritesTags: Humor, interesting, Politics, wtf
# You have to believe that 8 years of national prosperity was due to the work of Ronald Reagan and George Bush but that, yesterday’s gas prices is all Clinton’s fault.
# You have to believe that those privileged from birth achieve success all on their own.
# You have to be against government programs, but expect Social Security checks on-time.
# You have to believe that government should stay out of people’s lives, except to regulate opposite-gender marriages, what your official language should be, and what form of birth control, if any, you should use.
# You have to believe that pollution is ok, as long as it makes a profit.
# You have to believe in prayer in schools, as long as you don’t pray to Allah or Buddha.
# You have to believe that only your own teenagers are still virgins.
# You have to believe that a woman cannot be trusted with decisions about her own body but that large multinational corporations should have no regulation or interference whatsoever.
# You love Jesus and Jesus loves you and, by the way, Jesus shares your hatred of AIDS victims, homosexuals, and President Clinton.
# You have to believe that society is colorblind and, growing up black in America doesn’t diminish your opportunities, but you still won’t vote for Alan Keyes.
# You have to believe that it was wise to allow Ken Starr to spend $50 million dollars to attack Clinton because no other U.S. presidents have ever been unfaithful to their wives.
# You have to believe that a waiting period for purchasing a handgun is bad because quick access to a new firearm is an important concern for all Americans.
# You have to believe it is wise to keep condoms out of schools, because we all know, if teenagers don’t have condoms, they won’t have sex.
# You have to believe that the ACLU is bad because they defend the Constitution, while the NRA is good because they defend the Constitution.
# You have to believe that socialism hasn’t worked anywhere, and that Europe doesn’t exist.
# You have to believe that the AIDS virus is not important enough to deserve federal funding proportionate to the resulting death rate and that the public doesn’t need to be educated about it, because if we just ignore it, it will go away.
# You have to believe that biology teachers are corrupting the morals of 6th graders if they teach them the basics of human sexuality, but the Bible, which is full of sex and violence, is good reading.
# You have to believe that Chinese communist missiles have killed more Americans than handguns, alcohol, and tobacco.
# You have to believe that even though governments have supported the arts for 5000 years and that, most of the great works of Renaissance art were paid for by governments, our government should shun any such support. After all, the rich can afford to buy their own and the poor don’t need any.
# You have to believe that the lumber from the last one percent of old growth U.S. forests is well worth the destruction of those forests andthe extinction of the several species of plants and animals therein.
# You have to believe that we should forgive and pray for Newt Gingrich, Henry Hyde, and Bob Livingston for their marital infidelities, but Clinton should have been impeached.
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