At the bar…

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Posted in Affiliate Program on May 14th, 2010 by | Report This Post | FavoriteLoadingAdd to favorites

Having already downed a few power drinks, she turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says, “Listen here good looking, I screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on, it doesn’t matter to me. I just love it.”

Eyes now wide with interest, he responds, “No kidding. I’m in Congress too. What state are you from?”

via At the bar… « Bits and Pieces.

reposted from www.TikiHumor.com

Renee Descartes walks into a bar

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Renee Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender asks him, “The usual today, Renee?” Descartes looks and him and responds, “I think not,” and POOF! He ceases to exist.

reposted from www.TikiHumor.com

I’m not obsolete, I’m retro

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Posted in Affiliate Program on May 13th, 2010 by | Report This Post | FavoriteLoadingAdd to favorites

8838a Im notn obsolete Im retro I’m not obsolete, I’m retro

 I’m not obsolete, I’m retro
 I’m not obsolete, I’m retro

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They Say Nice Things

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A guy is sitting alone in a bar nursing his drink. The bartender is at the other end of the bar cleaning a glass. The guy suddenly hears a little whisper of a voice that says, “Nice hat.”

He looks around but he’s the only one nearby. He thinks nothing of it and keeps drinking. A few minutes later he hears this same voice, “Nice shirt.”

Now he’s getting a little paranoid because there’s still no one else in the bar. He calls the bartender over and orders another drink. Several minutes later he hears the voice, “Nice tie.”

He just about loses it. He calls the bartender over and says, “man, am I going crazy? I keep hearing voices!” The bartender asks, “What are they saying?” “Nice hat, nice shirt, nice tie.” The bartender says, “ah, it’s the peanuts; they’re complimentary.”

reposted from www.TikiHumor.com

you’re pointless

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Posted in Affiliate Program on May 12th, 2010 by | Report This Post | FavoriteLoadingAdd to favorites

ac322 youre pointless you’re pointless

 you’re pointless
 you’re pointless

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You gonna get laid

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Posted in Affiliate Program on May 12th, 2010 by | Report This Post | FavoriteLoadingAdd to favorites

A woman walks into the bar, sits down and orders a drink. The bartender says to her, “Damn, you are totally gonna get laid tonight.” The lady responds, “Wow, thanks. Is it because of something I’m wearing?” The bartenders says, “No, it’s because I’m stronger than you.”

reposted from www.TikiHumor.com

censorship is very in

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Posted in Affiliate Program on May 11th, 2010 by | Report This Post | FavoriteLoadingAdd to favorites

f40ee censorship is very in censorship is very in

 censorship is very in
 censorship is very in

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Parity Error

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A byte walk into a bar and orders a stiff drink. The bartender asks, “Whats the matter?”

“Parity Error.” Replies the byte.

Then the bartender says, “Yeah, you looked a bit off”.

reposted from www.TikiHumor.com

Why is American beer like having sex on a boat?

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Posted in Affiliate Program on May 10th, 2010 by | Report This Post | FavoriteLoadingAdd to favorites

Why is American beer like having sex on a boat?

Both are fucking close to water.

reposted from www.TikiHumor.com

it’s always hammer time if you’re a carpenter

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583e9 its always hammer time if youre a carpenter it’s always hammer time if you’re a carpenter

 it’s always hammer time if you’re a carpenter
 it’s always hammer time if you’re a carpenter

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The Irish Can Drink

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An American on vacation in Ireland walks into the pub. He says, “Alright, I hear you Irish can drink. I’ve got five hundred dollars here that says no one can drink ten pints of Guinness in a row.”
The bar falls silent. The band stops. Everyone just stares. One guy even gets up and leaves.
The American says, “oh well” and takes a seat at the bar and orders a drink.

A few minutes later, the guy returns and asks, “Hey mister, is that money still on the table?”
“Well sure it is” he replies.

The bartender pours out ten pints, and the man proceeds to drink them one after the other.

When he’s done, the American says, “Well, I’m a man of my word, so here’s your money. But I gotta ask, where did you go?”

He says: “I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first!”

reposted from www.TikiHumor.com

michelangelo is a party dude

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07968 michelangelo is a party dude michelangelo is a party dude

 michelangelo is a party dude
 michelangelo is a party dude

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Three Wishes

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Posted in Affiliate Program on May 8th, 2010 by | Report This Post | FavoriteLoadingAdd to favorites

A man walks into a bar, he has two of the most beautiful women the bartender has ever seen with him and a small man standing on his shoulder. He walks over to the bartender and says, “a round for everyone.”

The bartender says, “look buddy, I’ll set them up, but you gotta pay for them first.”

The man says, “no problem,” as he pulls a massive wad of cash from his pocket.

The bartender pours a drink for everyone in the bar, but as he finishes pouring the last one, the little man jumps off of the guys shoulder, and runs along the bar knocking all of the drinks over and giggling.

The man, unsurprised, says, “don’t worry about it, pour them again, I’ll pay for another.”

The bartender sets up another round and the little man jumps off of the man’s shoulder and runs down the bar, laughing, knocking all of the drinks over.

The man sighs and says, “just set up another one, I’ll pay.”

The bartender looks at him and says, “buddy, I’ll keep setting them up all night, but you’ve got to tell me what the fuck is going on here.”

The man looks at him sadly and says, “well you see sir, I found this magic lamp and I rubbed it and a genie came out. The genie said I had three wishes, so first, I asked for all of the money in the world. So now, whenever I reach into my pocket there’s a massive wad of cash. For my second wish, I wished that I’d have beautiful women with me wherever I go and so now, wherever I am, two beautiful women follow me there. And for my third wish, I wished for a 12 inch prick” sighing as he points to the little man, “and here he is.”

reposted from www.TikiHumor.com

sweep the key – cobra phi

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0b41c sweep the key cobra phi sweep the key – cobra phi

 sweep the key – cobra phi
 sweep the key – cobra phi

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Ugly Bitch of a Mother

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Posted in Affiliate Program on May 7th, 2010 by | Report This Post | FavoriteLoadingAdd to favorites

An ugly woman walks into a shop with her two kids. The shopkeeper asks “Are they twins”? The woman says “No, he’s 9 and she’s 7. Why? Do you think they look alike?” “No”, he replies “I just can’t believe anyone would fuck you twice”

via Fri May 7 « Lefturn’s Funny Shit.

reposted from www.TikiHumor.com

An X Walks Into A Bar…

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A sandwich walks into a bar. “Pint of your finest please” he says. To which the barman replies “Sorry sir, we don’t serve food”.

A Times New Roman walks into a bar. “Pint of your finest please” he says. To which the barman replies “Sorry sir, we don’t serve your type”.

A man with a pick axe and shovel walks into a bar. “Pint of your finest please” he says. To which the barman replies “Sorry sir, we don’t serve miners”.

A man walks into a bar with a goat. “Pint of your finest please,” he says. To which the barman replies, “Sorry sir, we don’t serve kids.”

A room-temperature superconductor walks into a bar. “Pint of your finest please.” To which the barman replies “Sorry, we don’t serve room-temperature superconductors.” So the room-temperature superconductor left with no resistance.

NASCAR walks into a bar. “Pint of your finest please.” To which the barman replies “Sorry, we don’t serve your race here.”

Schrödinger’s cat walks into a bar… and doesn’t.

An unending sequence of numbers walks into a bar. One of them exclaims “c is 1 today! Drinks to celebrate”. The bartender serves an infinite number of drinks and says, “Okay, you guys are set”.

The bartender asks “What would you like?”
A tachyon walks into a bar.

A mushroom walks into a bar. “Pint of your finest please,” he says. To which the barman replies, “Sorry sir, we don’t serve your kind.” The mushroom replies, “Why not? I’m a fun-guy!”

Robot walks into a bar. Orders a drink, lays down a bill. Bartender says, “Hey we don’t serve robots.” And the robot says, “No, but someday you will.”

A gold atom walks into a bar. The bartender sees him and yells.
“Aye, You! Get out of here!”

A Helium atom walks into a bar, and the bartender says to him
“I’m sorry, we don’t serve Helium here.”
But the Helium doesn’t react.

Two neutrinos go through a bar…

A string walks into a bar and asks for a drink.

The bartender angrily says “We don’t serve strings here!”

String: “But all I want is a drink!”

Bartender: “I said no strings!”

Dejectedly, the string goes outside. Thinking for a moment, the string then ruffles up his hair and around his feet. He then convulses and wraps himself around all crazy like. He then walks back into the bar.

The bartender is aghast. “Aren’t you the same string I just kicked out of here?”

“No, sir. I’m a frayed knot.”

reposted from www.TikiHumor.com

Das boot – when the bubble comes, turn the boot!

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2b581 das boot when the bubble comes turn the boot Das boot – when the bubble comes, turn the boot!

 Das boot – when the bubble comes, turn the boot!
 Das boot – when the bubble comes, turn the boot!

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MacGregor The…

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Posted in Affiliate Program on May 6th, 2010 by | Report This Post | FavoriteLoadingAdd to favorites

An old Scot and a young Scot were sitting in the pub talking. The old man says to the young man; “Son, look out the window. You see that stone fence stretchin’ out ‘cross the moor as far as yer eye can see? Well I built that fence with me own two hands. But, do they call me MacGregor the fence builder? Nooooo.”

“Now ya take a look up at the bar. See the perfectly constructed thing of beauty stretchin’ across this great hall? Well, I built that bar with me own two hands. But, do they call me MacGregor the bar builder? Noooo.”

“Now take a look toward the sea. Do you see that magnificent pier, sturdy and straight, unmoving againt the sea and all her wrath? Well, I built that pier with me own two hands. But, do they call me MacGregor the pier builder? Noooo.”

Then MacGregor leans in close to the young man and whispers….

“But ya fuck one goat…”

reposted from www.TikiHumor.com

Great White Buffalo – The one that got away

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Posted in Affiliate Program on May 5th, 2010 by | Report This Post | FavoriteLoadingAdd to favorites

ffe0e great white buffalo Great White Buffalo – The one that got away

 Great White Buffalo – The one that got away
 Great White Buffalo – The one that got away

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Six Foot Penquin

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Posted in Affiliate Program on May 5th, 2010 by | Report This Post | FavoriteLoadingAdd to favorites

Guy runs into a bar in a panic. “Does anybody here own a six-foot penguin?” he asks. Everybody shakes their heads no. “Well shit!” says the guy, “I think I just ran over a nun.”

reposted from www.TikiHumor.com


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