What’s the best things about being married to a Panda?
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Add to favoritesWhat’s the best things about being married to a Panda?
No-one notices the black eyes.
And you get to fuck a Panda.
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this is my halloween costume
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Secret Code
(2 votes, average: 5.00 out of 5) Loading ...Add to favoritesSecret Code
After a President has been in office for 1 year it is customary for the last President to send a note of congratulations to the new one.
So yesterday when the note came from Bush to Obama, the President was somewhat troubled because it was written in code and all it said was:
370H-SSV-0773H
This troubled him as he had always heard from his peers how former president Bush was perceived to have been scholarly challenged.
So he took the note to his wife. She was unable to decipher it.
They called in the VP, and he was unable to decode the message. They called in the chief of staff and the head of Secret Service detail and they were unable to determine the meaning of the note.
Next he called in the head of the Senate and Speaker of the House.
They both were mystified by the meaning of the coded message.
Now there was complete panic in the Oval Office.
They called all of their contacts in the media and sent copies of the note to all of them, and not one was able to come up with an answer.
A special emergency meeting was called by the staff.
All branches of the military, counter intelligence, CIA, FBI were called in, and the best minds were unable crack the code.
After a sleepless night, a now humbled President Obama picked up the phone and called the former president, and asked him the meaning of the note.
George Bush chuckled and replied: ‘Bud, you’re holding it upside down!’
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No that’s Wales
(4 votes, average: 4.50 out of 5) Loading ...Add to favoritesAn American visits Edinburgh. Of course he soon finds himself in a pub talking to a Scotsman.
The American is very complimentary about Scotland, giving more and more reasons why he loves the country and the Scottish people. As the drinks flow, the reasons for admiration become more and more outrageous. Eventually he says one of the reasons why he loves Scotland is because the men are brave enough to shag sheep.
The Scotsman replies “No that’s Wales”.
“My god!” answers the American “Do you stick it in the blow hole?”
via A Scotsman walks into the bedroom with a sheep on a leash and says… : funny.
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humping reindeer
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Two Welshmen, two Scots, and two Englishmen are stranded on a desert island
(No Ratings Yet) Loading ...Add to favoritesTwo Welshmen, two Scots, and two Englishmen are stranded on a desert island. When they’re finally rescued ten years later, the Scots have built a distillery but are still arguing over whose round it is, the Welshmen have formed a close harmony choir, and the Englishmen are still waiting to be formally introduced.
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goosfraba
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A Scotsman, Englishman and Irishman are caught drunk out of their skulls in Saudi Arabia
(2 votes, average: 5.00 out of 5) Loading ...Add to favoritesA Scotsman, Englishman and Irishman are caught drunk out of their skulls in Saudi Arabia and are dragged before the Sultan. Angrily the Sultan tells them
“Although the penalty is usually death for such a heinous act, today is a day of the celeration of honesty so I will spare your lives. Instead I will give you 20 lashes from our most horrible whip. Yet I still feel sympathy for you on this holy day so I will give you each one item to strap to your back.”
The Irishman thinks about it and chooses a pillow. They lead him to the post, tie a pillow to his back and start whipping away. After 5 whips the pillow bursts and the Irishman takes 15 whips on his back. He returns to the men crying his eyes out and begging them to choose wisely.
The Englishman steps forward and chooses the lid from a barrel. Again he's led away and has it tied to his back. 10 whips in the barrel lid smashes and he receives 10 whips to his back. He returns to the Scotsman and wipes the tears from his eyes, begging his friend to choose better.
The Scotsman steps forward to the Sultan and says “Oh mighty Sultan, as today is a day of honesty I have to tell the truth. I drank the most out of all of my friends and it was my idea to drink in this country. It is I who should receive the most whips.”
The Sultan smiles and says “My friend this is truly a moment of heroic proportions from you. I will however have to increase your punishment to 100 lashes from the whip. I will still let you choose something to be tied to your back however”
“Thank you Sultan, I choose the Englishman”
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my new years resolutions is to stop drinking
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I just cut a big one
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lucky bunny
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yo, bartender, jobu needs a refill
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A story with a moral
(2 votes, average: 4.00 out of 5) Loading ...Add to favoritesThe teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their Parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories… There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Ernie was left.
‘Ernie, do you have a story to share?’
‘Yes ma’am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Karen. She was a pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.
She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn’t break and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.’
‘Good Heavens,’ said the horrified teacher. ‘What did your daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?
‘Stay the hell away from Aunt Karen when she’s been drinking.’
via A story with a moral « Bits & Pieces.
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ask me about my zombie shirt
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beer
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preganent blonde
(1 votes, average: 3.00 out of 5) Loading ...Add to favoritesA blonde came running up to her husband in the driveway as he came home from work just jumping for joy. He didn’t know why she was jumping for joy but thought, what the fuck, and started jumping up and down with her. She said, “Honey, I have some really great news for you!” He said, “Great, tell me what you’re so happy about!” She stopped jumping and was breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, when she told him that she was pregnant! He kissed her and told her, “That’s great! I couldn’t be happier!” Then, she said, “Oh, honey, there’s more!” He asked, “What do you mean, ‘more?’” She said, “Well, we are not having just one baby, we are going to have TWINS!” Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, he asked her how she knew. She said, “Well, that was the easy part. I went to Wal-Mart and bought the TWIN PACK home pregnancy test kit and BOTH tests came out positive!!”
via Fri April 9 « Lefturn’s Funny Shit.
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you’ve been detected on my gaydar
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faces women find attractive
(1 votes, average: 5.00 out of 5) Loading ...Add to favoritesA study conducted by UCLA’s Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle. For example: if she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. However, if she is menstruating or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his chest while he is on fire.
via Wed April 7 « Lefturn’s Funny Shit.
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I’m a breast man
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Stranded
(No Ratings Yet) Loading ...Add to favoritesOne day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon.
He thought to himself, “It’s certainly not a ship
As the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out even the possibilities of a small boat or a raft.
Suddenly there strode from the surf a figure clad in a black wet suit. Putting aside the scuba tanks and mask and zipping down the top of the wet suit stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde!
She walked up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, “Tell me, how long has it been since you’ve had a good cigar?”
“Ten years,” replied the amazed Irishman
With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit and pulled out a fresh package of cigars and a lighter.
He took a cigar, slowly lit it, and took a long drag. “Faith and begorrah,” said the castaway, “that is so good! I’d almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!”
“And how long has it been since you’ve had a drop of good Bushmill’s Irish Whiskey?” asked the blonde.
Trembling, the castaway replied, “Ten years.”
Hearing that, the blonde reached over to her right sleeve, unzipped a pocket there and removed a flask and handed it to him.
He opened the flask and took a long drink. ” ‘Tis nectar of the gods!” shouted the Irishman. ” ‘Tis truly fantastic!!!”
At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, “And how long has it been since you played around?”
With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed, “Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Don’t tell me that you’ve got golf clubs in there too!”
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April 19, 2010 at 5:21 pm
If I saw a man wearing this shirt, I’d put him out of his misery.