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pants on the ground
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Superior Blowjob
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A man feels lonely one night, so he calls an escort service. When the girl arrives, she’s the most beautiful girl he’s ever seen. He asks her for a blowjob. She smiles. “All right baby, I give the best blowjobs in the country. There’s just one thing: I can only do it in the dark.” The man gets pretty excited. He sits down on his armchair and turns off the lamp next to him, plunging the room into darkness. He hears some fumbling, and pretty soon shes going at it. She’s right; it’s the best blowjob in the country.
The next day he calls her again and asks her to come over. He sits back in his armchair and turns off the lamp. It’s better than the first time. He can’t believe how good it is. He wonders how the hell she’s doing it. So the next day he calls her again, determined to find out her technique. When she’s blowing him for the third time in darkness, he reaches his hand out to turn on his lamp, but knocks a small round object off the table. He turns on the lamp to find a glass eye on the floor.
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Spilt BBs
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A woman is cooking a pot of soup for her family when she accidentally bumps into a shelf next to the stove, spilling a large container of BB’s into the soup. Rather than take the time to fish them out, she serves the soup to her family.
Later that night, her husband comes over and says “Honey, guess what? I just pissed BB’s!”
A short time later her daughter comes over and says “Mom, guess what? I just pissed BB’s!”
A short time after that her son comes over and says “Mom, guess what?”
“Let me guess. You pissed BB’s” the mother says.
“No,” the son says, “I was jacking off and I shot the cat.”
reposted from www.TikiHumor.com
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the head foundation – please give generously
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How many Freudians does it take to change a lightbulb?
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How many Freudians does it take to change a lightbulb?
2, one to change the lightbulb and 1 to hold the cock…I mean father….I mean ladder.
reposted from www.TikiHumor.com
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robots in disguise
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Why don’t you ever see black people on a cruise?
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Why don’t you ever see black people on a cruise?
Because they fell for that trick once before.
via What are your best dirty jokes? GO! : AskReddit.
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I’m kind of a big deal – people know me
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not the first doctor to sleep with one of his patients
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Loading ...Add to favoritesAs she lay there dozing next to him, a voice inside his head kept saying, “Relax, you are not the first doctor to sleep with one of his patients.”But another voice kept reminding him, “Howard, you are a fuck’n veterinarian.”
via Sat April 24 « Lefturn’s Funny Shit.
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no shit, sherlock
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new words
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Loading ...Add to favoritesA Grade 5 Class is being asked 3 syllable words. Each kid is asked to stand up and say a word. 1st Kid – Banana, 2nd kid telephone…. etc
Comes to Little Billy and he just doesn’t get it…. Teachers says:
Your homework tonight is to learn a 3 syllable word and tell us before we start class tomorrow.
Next Day the Teacher asks Billy:
Billy stands up and says: “Contagious”
Teacher is floored….. “Where did you learn that word?”
Billy: Last night during the snow storm, my mom was outside shoveling…. My Dad looked out the window and said:
“It is gonna take that Contagious!”
via AskReddit.
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tiger is a cheetah
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a murderer, masohist, sadist, necrophiliac and pyromaniac are siting together
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Loading ...Add to favoritesSo a murderer, masochist, sadist, necrophiliac and pyromaniac are siting together and the sadist says: “Hey let’s get a cat and torture it!”, and the murderer says: “Ok, let’s torture a cat and then kill it!”, so the pyromaniac says:”Great, let’s torture a cat, then kill it, and then burn it!” and then the necrophiliac says:”Yeah ok, but let’s torture the cat, then kill it, then burn it, and then fuck it!”, to which the masochist replies:”Meow”
via AskReddit.
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I’m starting my diet tomorrow
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assigned to the same sleeping room on a Trans-continental train
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Loading ...Add to favoritesA man and a woman who had never met before found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a Trans-continental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly…..He in the upper bunk and she in the lower. At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, “Ma’am, I’m sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I’m awfully cold.”
“I have a better idea,” she replied. “Just for tonight, let’s pretend we’re married.”
“Wow! That’s a great idea!” he exclaimed.
“Good,” she replied. “Get your own fucking blanket.”
After a moment of silence, he farted.
via What are your best dirty jokes? GO! : AskReddit.
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You ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-make me happy
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simple jack ya'll.
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cab driver revenge
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Loading ...Add to favoritesA man is in Las Vegas and losing his ass. He cannot win anything, and before he knows it, he has absolutely no money left. The only thing he does have is his plane ticket home, but he has no way to the airport.
He walks out of the casino and sees a solitary cab with the cabby leaning against it. He walks over and asks the driver if there’s any way he could just take him to the airport. He swears that he will wire the cabby the money the moment he gets home, but the cabby is a total dick.
“You know how many fucking losers I deal with everyday that give me that bullshit story? Fuck you ya piece of shit. Get away from me before I call the cops”, the shithead cabby says.
Well, the guy walks half way to the airport, finally thumbs a ride, and gets home.
He has an outstanding year in business and makes a killing in the market.
Almost a year to the day, he goes back to the same casino where he previously lost his ass, but this time he kills. He cannot lose. Blackjack, slots, you name it, and he's kickin’ it’s ass.
When it’s finally time to go, he walks out of the casino and sees a line of about 5 cabs. As he looks down the row, he sees that same asshole that gave him such a hard time the previous year, leaning against his cab at the end of the cab line.
He goes up to the nearest cabby and says, “How much for a ride to the airport?”
The cabby says $10.
The guy says, “OK. How about I give you an extra $2 and you suck my cock?”
The cabby nearly hits him, and tells him to get the hell out of there before he calls the cops.
So the guy goes to the next cab and the next cab, and so on, asking the same thing, “How much for a ride to the airport…how about I give you an extra $2 to suck my dick?”, and each time he gets told to go away.
Finally, the guy comes to the shithead cab driver from last year, and says, “How much for a ride to the airport?”, to which the cabby says $10.
So without another word, the guy hops in the cab.
As the cab is pulling past the other cab drivers, the guy holds up 2 $1 bills against the side window, smiles and gives the other cab drivers the thumbs up.
via AskReddit.
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Johnny Chimpo
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What’s the best things about being married to a Panda?
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Loading ...Add to favoritesWhat’s the best things about being married to a Panda?
No-one notices the black eyes.
And you get to fuck a Panda.
via AskReddit.
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this is my halloween costume
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