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My favorite joke

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Posted in Affiliate Program on January 16th, 2011 by | Report This Post | FavoriteLoadingAdd to favorites

My favorite joke is that one about Jonestown, but I stopped telling it because the punch line was too long.

reposted from www.TikiHumor.com

holy water

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Posted in Affiliate Program on January 15th, 2011 by | Report This Post | FavoriteLoadingAdd to favorites

A group of nuns are lined up to confess to the priest.

The first nun says, "Father, I have sinned. I looked at a man naked."

The priest says, "Put holy water on your eyes and say 10 hail Marys."

The next nun comes up and says, "Father, I have sinned. I touched a naked man in a sexual manner."

The priest says, "Was your hands in holy water and say 20 hail Marys."

The third nun approaches the priest and is about to speak when is a clamoring from the back of the church. Another nun comes running in going, "WAIT!"

The priest says, "What’s wrong?!"

The nun replies, "I need to gargle the holy water before Nancy sticks her ass in it."

reposted from www.TikiHumor.com

I’m going to become a hooker

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Posted in Affiliate Program on January 14th, 2011 by | Report This Post | FavoriteLoadingAdd to favorites

A woman preparing to leave her husband casually informs him, "I’m going to become a hooker. I can make $400 for what I give you for free."

"I’m coming with you," the man replies. "I want to see you live on $800 a year."

reposted from www.TikiHumor.com

bridal

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Posted in Affiliate Program on January 13th, 2011 by | Report This Post | FavoriteLoadingAdd to favorites

A cowboy and his new bride check into a motel. The cowboy explains to the desk clerk that they were just married that morning.

"Would you like the bridal?" the clerk asks them.

"No thanks," the cowboy answers. "I’ll just hold her by the ears until she gets the hang of it."?

reposted from www.TikiHumor.com

Presidents to OZ

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Posted in Affiliate Program on January 12th, 2011 by | Report This Post | FavoriteLoadingAdd to favorites

Four U.S. presidents are caught in a tornado that hits a state funeral they’re all attending and are whirled off to Oz. They finally make it to the Emerald City and come before the Great Wizard.

"What brings you before the great Wizard of Oz?"

Jimmy Carter steps forward timidly: "I’ve come for some courage." ??"No problem!" says the Wizard. "Who is next?"

Ronald Reagan steps forward, "Well…I…I think I need a heart." ??"Done," says the Wizard. "Who comes next before the great and powerful Oz?"

Up steps George W. Bush, who says, "I’m told by the American people that I need a brain." ??"Not a problem!" says the Wizard. "Consider it done." ??There is a great silence in the hall.

Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, but doesn’t say a word. Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, "What do you want?" ??"Ummm," he says quietly, "is Dorothy around?"

reposted from www.TikiHumor.com

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stay here for tonight

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Posted in Affiliate Program on January 11th, 2011 by | Report This Post | FavoriteLoadingAdd to favorites

A traveling salesman’s car breaks down in the country, so he decides to call on the closest farmhouse.

When the farmer opens the door, the salesman says, "Sir, my car died just up the road. Could I stay here for tonight?"

The farmer says, "Sure, but I have a very handsome son and you’ll have to promise not to sleep with him."

"Excuse me," says the salesman, "but I think I’m in the wrong joke."

reposted from www.TikiHumor.com

A mother is cleaning her teenage son’s room when she sees some magazines under his bed …

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Posted in Affiliate Program on January 11th, 2011 by | Report This Post | FavoriteLoadingAdd to favorites

… Curious, she grabs the magazines and is shocked to find that they are S&M porn magazines. In her horror, she screams.

The father runs in, sees his wife crying, sits down beside her on his son’s bed, and asks, "What’s wrong?" And, pointing at the magazines in her hand, he asks, "What are those?"

The mother passes him the magazines. He flips through them, and his eyes widen as he sees some of the most explicit and disturbing S&M images his mind could have ever imagined.

The mother, between sobs, asks her husband, "What are we gonna do with this boy?"

Her husband replies, "Well, we’re not gonna spank him. That’s for sure."

via reddit.

reposted from www.TikiHumor.com

How do you turn a fox into an elephant

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Posted in Affiliate Program on January 9th, 2011 by | Report This Post | FavoriteLoadingAdd to favorites

Q: How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
A: Marry it.

reposted from www.TikiHumor.com

Twice Married

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Posted in Affiliate Program on January 8th, 2011 by | Report This Post | FavoriteLoadingAdd to favorites

Two newlyweds go on their honeymoon. As they start getting hot and heavy, the woman says, "Please be careful with me—I’m a virgin."

The puzzled man replies, "But you’ve been married three times before."

"I know," she says. "But my first husband was a psychiatrist and all he wanted to do was talk about it. My second husband was a gynecologist and he just wanted to look at it. And my third husband was a stamp collector and all he wanted to do was… God, I miss him."

reposted from www.TikiHumor.com

Come running with me

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Posted in Affiliate Program on January 7th, 2011 by | Report This Post | FavoriteLoadingAdd to favorites

A rabbit running through the forest stumbles upon a deer rolling a joint. The rabbit says, "Don’t do that. Come running with me. It’s much more fun!" The deer takes off with the rabbit. They come across an elephant doing coke. "Come running with us, elephant," says the rabbit. “You’ll feel so good!" The elephant decides to join in the fun, and the whole groups goes off running.??The animals encounter a lion about to shoot up. Before the rabbit can say anything, the lion reaches out with a huge paw and knocks it unconscious. The deer screams, "Lion, what are you doing? He’s trying to help us!" The lion answers, "That loser makes me run around the forest like an idiot every time he takes Ecstasy!"

reposted from www.TikiHumor.com

a couple inside a parked car

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Posted in Affiliate Program on January 7th, 2011 by | Report This Post | FavoriteLoadingAdd to favorites

A policeman is doing his usual rounds just before midnight when he passes a parking lot and notices a couple inside a parked car. He stops to investigate and sees a man in the driver’s seat and a young lady sitting in the backseat, quietly reading a magazine.

The officer knocks on the driver’s window and asks what’s going on.

"Listening to music," the guy says. ??Pointing toward the young lady in the backseat, the officer asks, "And what’s she doing?"

"Reading a magazine, of course."

"How old are you?" asks the officer.

"I’m 23." ??"And how old is she?"

The guy looks at his watch and says, "Well, in 11 minutes she’ll be 18."

reposted from www.TikiHumor.com

I’m a smart feller and you’re a fart smeller

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Posted in Affiliate Program on January 6th, 2011 by | Report This Post | FavoriteLoadingAdd to favorites

smart feller fart smeller s I’m a smart feller and you’re a fart smeller

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ed douchebag – by trendy asshole

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Posted in Affiliate Program on January 6th, 2011 by | Report This Post | FavoriteLoadingAdd to favorites

ed douchebag shirt ed douchebag – by trendy asshole

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extra-large condoms

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Posted in Affiliate Program on January 5th, 2011 by | Report This Post | FavoriteLoadingAdd to favorites

A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if the store carries extra-large condoms.

"Yes we do," he says. "Would you like to buy some?"

"No," she replies. "But do you mind if I wait around until someone does?"

reposted from www.TikiHumor.com

saving the secret formulas

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Posted in Affiliate Program on January 5th, 2011 by | Report This Post | FavoriteLoadingAdd to favorites

A fire starts inside a chemical plant and the alarm goes out to fire departments miles around. After crews have been fighting the fire for over an hour, the chemical company president approached the fire chief and said, "All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved! I will give $100,000 to the engine company that brings them out safely!"

The crews try, but no one can get through. Then another fire truck, filled with a volunteer fire company of men over 65, comes roaring down the road and drives straight into the middle of the inferno. The other men watch unbelieving as the old timers hop off of their rig and heroically extinguish the fire, saving the secret formulas.

The company president walks over to reward the volunteers.

"What do you guys plan to do with the money?" the president asks the group.

The firetruck driver looks him right in the eye and answers, "Well, the first thing we’re going to do is fix the fucking brakes on that truck."

reposted from www.TikiHumor.com

the elephant’s trunk

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Posted in Affiliate Program on January 4th, 2011 by | Report This Post | FavoriteLoadingAdd to favorites

A couple takes their young son to the circus. When his father goes to buy popcorn, the boy asks, "Mom, what’s that long thing on the elephant?"

"That’s the elephant’s trunk, dear," she replies.

"No, Mom. Down underneath."

His mother blushes and says, "Oh, that’s nothing."

The father returns and the mother goes off to get a soda. As soon as she leaves, the boy repeats his question.

"That’s the elephant’s trunk, son."

"Dad, I know what an elephant’s trunk is. The thing down there."

The father says, "Oh, that’s the elephant’s penis."

"Dad," the son asks, "how come when I asked Mom, she said it was nothing?"

The man takes a deep breath and explains, "Well son, here’s the truth. I’ve really spoiled that woman."

reposted from www.TikiHumor.com

I don’t understand irony

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Posted in Affiliate Program on January 2nd, 2011 by | Report This Post | FavoriteLoadingAdd to favorites

"My friend told me I don’t understand irony, which was ironic because, at the time, we were waiting for the bus."

reposted from www.TikiHumor.com

SQL query walks into a bar

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Posted in Affiliate Program on January 1st, 2011 by | Report This Post | FavoriteLoadingAdd to favorites

SQL query walks into a bar; He approachs 2 tables and asks, "May I join you?" Bartender screams over, "Not before I get your keys!"

reposted from www.TikiHumor.com

fast talker

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Posted in Affiliate Program on December 31st, 2010 by | Report This Post | FavoriteLoadingAdd to favorites

A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, “Some asshole wants to buy a half a head of lettuce.” As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, “and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half.” The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.

Later the manager found the boy and said “I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?”

“Canada, sir,” the boy replied.

“Well, why did you leave Canada?” the manager asked.

The boy said, “Sir, there’s nothing but whores and hockey players up there.”

“Really!” said the manager. “My wife is from Canada!”

The boy replied, “No shit??? Who did she play for?”

via What is your all time favourite joke EVER? : AskReddit.

reposted from www.TikiHumor.com

I put the man in roMANce

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Posted in Affiliate Program on December 21st, 2010 by | Report This Post | FavoriteLoadingAdd to favorites

romance t shirt I put the man in roMANce

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