Three Wishes
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Add to favoritesA man walks into a bar, he has two of the most beautiful women the bartender has ever seen with him and a small man standing on his shoulder. He walks over to the bartender and says, “a round for everyone.”
The bartender says, “look buddy, I’ll set them up, but you gotta pay for them first.”
The man says, “no problem,” as he pulls a massive wad of cash from his pocket.
The bartender pours a drink for everyone in the bar, but as he finishes pouring the last one, the little man jumps off of the guys shoulder, and runs along the bar knocking all of the drinks over and giggling.
The man, unsurprised, says, “don’t worry about it, pour them again, I’ll pay for another.”
The bartender sets up another round and the little man jumps off of the man’s shoulder and runs down the bar, laughing, knocking all of the drinks over.
The man sighs and says, “just set up another one, I’ll pay.”
The bartender looks at him and says, “buddy, I’ll keep setting them up all night, but you’ve got to tell me what the fuck is going on here.”
The man looks at him sadly and says, “well you see sir, I found this magic lamp and I rubbed it and a genie came out. The genie said I had three wishes, so first, I asked for all of the money in the world. So now, whenever I reach into my pocket there’s a massive wad of cash. For my second wish, I wished that I’d have beautiful women with me wherever I go and so now, wherever I am, two beautiful women follow me there. And for my third wish, I wished for a 12 inch prick” sighing as he points to the little man, “and here he is.”
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sweep the key – cobra phi
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Ugly Bitch of a Mother
(1 votes, average: 2.00 out of 5) Loading ...Add to favoritesAn ugly woman walks into a shop with her two kids. The shopkeeper asks “Are they twins”? The woman says “No, he’s 9 and she’s 7. Why? Do you think they look alike?” “No”, he replies “I just can’t believe anyone would fuck you twice”
via Fri May 7 « Lefturn’s Funny Shit.
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An X Walks Into A Bar…
(3 votes, average: 5.00 out of 5) Loading ...Add to favoritesA sandwich walks into a bar. “Pint of your finest please” he says. To which the barman replies “Sorry sir, we don’t serve food”.
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A Times New Roman walks into a bar. “Pint of your finest please” he says. To which the barman replies “Sorry sir, we don’t serve your type”.
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A man with a pick axe and shovel walks into a bar. “Pint of your finest please” he says. To which the barman replies “Sorry sir, we don’t serve miners”.
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A man walks into a bar with a goat. “Pint of your finest please,” he says. To which the barman replies, “Sorry sir, we don’t serve kids.”
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A room-temperature superconductor walks into a bar. “Pint of your finest please.” To which the barman replies “Sorry, we don’t serve room-temperature superconductors.” So the room-temperature superconductor left with no resistance.
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NASCAR walks into a bar. “Pint of your finest please.” To which the barman replies “Sorry, we don’t serve your race here.”
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Schrödinger’s cat walks into a bar… and doesn’t.
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An unending sequence of numbers walks into a bar. One of them exclaims “c is 1 today! Drinks to celebrate”. The bartender serves an infinite number of drinks and says, “Okay, you guys are set”.
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The bartender asks “What would you like?”
A tachyon walks into a bar.
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A mushroom walks into a bar. “Pint of your finest please,” he says. To which the barman replies, “Sorry sir, we don’t serve your kind.” The mushroom replies, “Why not? I’m a fun-guy!”
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Robot walks into a bar. Orders a drink, lays down a bill. Bartender says, “Hey we don’t serve robots.” And the robot says, “No, but someday you will.”
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A gold atom walks into a bar. The bartender sees him and yells.
“Aye, You! Get out of here!”
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A Helium atom walks into a bar, and the bartender says to him
“I’m sorry, we don’t serve Helium here.”
But the Helium doesn’t react.
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Two neutrinos go through a bar…
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A string walks into a bar and asks for a drink.
The bartender angrily says “We don’t serve strings here!”
String: “But all I want is a drink!”
Bartender: “I said no strings!”
Dejectedly, the string goes outside. Thinking for a moment, the string then ruffles up his hair and around his feet. He then convulses and wraps himself around all crazy like. He then walks back into the bar.
The bartender is aghast. “Aren’t you the same string I just kicked out of here?”
“No, sir. I’m a frayed knot.”
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Das boot – when the bubble comes, turn the boot!
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MacGregor The…
(1 votes, average: 5.00 out of 5) Loading ...Add to favoritesAn old Scot and a young Scot were sitting in the pub talking. The old man says to the young man; “Son, look out the window. You see that stone fence stretchin’ out ‘cross the moor as far as yer eye can see? Well I built that fence with me own two hands. But, do they call me MacGregor the fence builder? Nooooo.”
“Now ya take a look up at the bar. See the perfectly constructed thing of beauty stretchin’ across this great hall? Well, I built that bar with me own two hands. But, do they call me MacGregor the bar builder? Noooo.”
“Now take a look toward the sea. Do you see that magnificent pier, sturdy and straight, unmoving againt the sea and all her wrath? Well, I built that pier with me own two hands. But, do they call me MacGregor the pier builder? Noooo.”
Then MacGregor leans in close to the young man and whispers….
“But ya fuck one goat…”
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Great White Buffalo – The one that got away
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from Shirt-Fight.com
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Six Foot Penquin
(2 votes, average: 5.00 out of 5) Loading ...Add to favoritesGuy runs into a bar in a panic. “Does anybody here own a six-foot penguin?” he asks. Everybody shakes their heads no. “Well shit!” says the guy, “I think I just ran over a nun.”
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let’s rock
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from Shirt-Fight.com
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desperate lieutenant
(1 votes, average: 4.00 out of 5) Loading ...Add to favoritesThe new lieutenant arrived at the Foreign Legion camp in the desert and after settling in inspected his men and whatever. But after a few weeks in the desert the lieutenant was getting a little desperate for companionship and asked the sarge, “What do we do way out here when we… uh… you know… when we need to get a little relief?” The sarge looked at him and said “Oh.. relief… sure… well, we have this camel tied out back of the big tent and …” and the lieutenant interrupted “Say no more, Sarge… I know what to do” and proceeded to go out back behind the tent and have his way with the camel tied there.
After a few minutes a crowd began to form and the lieutenant looked up and asked the men what they were staring at. “Isn’t this how it’s done?” he asked. The sarge looked at him and said “Well, no… usually the men just ride the camel into town where the women are”.
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A woman walks up to a bartender and asks for
(2 votes, average: 4.50 out of 5) Loading ...Add to favoritesA woman walks up to a bartender and asks for a Double Entendre, so he gives it to her.
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you had me at bacon
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from Shirt-Fight.com
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with great moustache comes great responsibility
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from Shirt-Fight.com
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Telling a blonde joke to blondes
(1 votes, average: 3.00 out of 5) Loading ...Add to favoritesA blind man walks into a bar and orders a pint. While the bartender is pouring it he says, “Want to hear a joke?” and she says, “OK.”
He starts: “So there’s this blonde…”
“Okay, hold on” says the bartender. “I can see you’re blind so I’m gonna do you a favour here. Just so you know, I’m a blonde. The manager is a blonde. The bouncer is a blonde, and there’s a good friend of mine by the window there, she’s a black belt in karate, she’s a blonde too. There’s a couple of biker chicks at a table nearby, both blondes.
“So, you just have a think about that and ask yourself: do you really want to tell that joke?”
She gives him his drink. “Well, uh, I guess not,” he says. “I don’t wanna have to explain it six times.”
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All Puns Intended
(2 votes, average: 5.00 out of 5) Loading ...Add to favorites1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.
2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.”
3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
4. A dyslexic man walked into a bra.
5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
7. “Doc, I can’t stop singing ‘The Green, Green Grass of Home.’”
“That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.”
“Is it common?”
“Well, ‘It’s Not Unusual.’”
8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, “I was artificially inseminated this morning.” “I don’t believe you,” says Dolly.
“It’s true; no bull!” exclaims Daisy.
9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you’ve heard this bull before.
11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn’t find any.
12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, “Doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs!” The doctor replied, “I know, I amputated your arms!”
13. I went to a seafood disco last week… and pulled a mussel.
14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, “Dam!”
16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Not surprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.
17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse.
“But why,” they asked, as they moved off.
“Because,” he said. “I can’t stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.”
18. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt , and is named ‘Ahmal.’ The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him ‘Juan.’ Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, “They’re twins! If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Ahmal.”
19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (oh, man, this is so bad, it’s good)… a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
20. A dwarf, who was a mystic, escaped from jail. The call went out that there was a small medium at large.
21. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
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you had me at get lost
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What’s the difference between a priest and pimple?
(1 votes, average: 2.00 out of 5) Loading ...Add to favoritesQ: What’s the difference between a priest and pimple?
A: Pimples don’t come on your face till you’re 13.
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Expensive Scotch
(1 votes, average: 3.00 out of 5) Loading ...Add to favoritesA guy walks into a bar and says “What kind of scotch have you got?”
The bartender says “I have the finest scotch in the world!, but it’s very expensive, it costs about 300 dollars a glass, but you have to do some other things first before you are allowed to have it”
The guy says, “What do I have to do?”
The bartender replies, “well, In addition to the 300 dollars, there is a woman upstairs who has never had an orgasm her entire life, AND, there is a native silverback gorrilla out back that has a very serious back problem, If you can give the woman an orgasm, AND cure the gorilla of its back problem, you can have the scotch”
The guy says “You’ve got a deal!” And with that, he places 300 dollars on the table and triuphantly strides out back. He is out there for almost an hour, people can hear grunting, and the sounds of the intense physical strain of the man trying to cure the gorilla. After a very long time of wrestling with it, the man comes back into the bar, his shirt ripped to shreds and covered in bruises
“Alright!” he says, “Now where’s that woman with the back problem?”
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dude
(1 votes, average: 5.00 out of 5) Loading ...Add to favoritesTags: interesting
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What did the Jewish pedophile say to the kid?
(3 votes, average: 4.33 out of 5) Loading ...Add to favoritesTags: interesting
What did the Jewish pedophile say to the kid?
Wanna buy some candy?
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May 8, 2010 at 10:14 am
rubbish