I need tearable puns

Give me your most terrible puns please, I’m making a sheet to tear them from.

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    38 Responses to I need tearable puns

    1. a backwards poet writes inverse……..if you dont pay your exorcist you get repossessed…….no matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll be stationary….two peanuts walked in to a bar…one was a salted….a dyslexic man walked in to a bra..what do you call a fish with no eye’s? a fsh.

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    2. Three blokes go into a pub. One of them is a little bit stupid, and the whole scene unfolds with a tedious inevitability.

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    3. The professor realized her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.
      A will is a dead giveaway.
      In today’s world of technology, paper calendar’s days are numbered.
      A boiled egg is hard to beat.
      Corduroy pillows are making head lines.
      I once entered ten puns into a pun contest, hoping at least one of them would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
      A string walks into a bar and tries to order a drink. The bartender replies, “Sorry, we don’t serve your type here.” The string is infuriated and storms out of the bar. He paces around and roughs up his hair, messes up the area around his feet, and then he goes all crazy-like and ties himself all up. Then he gets an idea and struts back in the bar and orders a drink, to which the bartender says, “Hey! Aren’t you the same string that was just in here?” To which the string replies, “No, sir. I’m a frayed knot.”

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      • The dejected string visits a local psychologist. The room is filled with pictures of Sigmund Freud; books, papers, and even a plaster bust.
        String asked, “Isn’t this a bit much?”
        Psychologist replied, “No, sir. I’m a Freud Nut”.

        Reply

    4. Ethan Allen and Paul Revere are sitting in a tavern, talking about how the revolution is going, when they notice a woman at the bar.
      “Dude! You know that loyalist spy we’ve been after?” says Allen.
      “Yeah, ain’t that his chick?”
      “Yeah, I think I got a plan. As soon as she leaves, I’m gonna sneak out behind her and she’ll lead me to him. I’m gonna follow that chick and catch a Tory.”

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    5. Man walk into a bar, he says ouch.

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    6. Two drums and a cymbal fall from a tree. Boom, boom tist.

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    7. that facebook plug in makes stalking easier, no pun intended

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    8. Time flies like an Arrow. Fruit Flies like a banana.

      If quizzes are quizzical what are tests?

      Why is the word “abbreviated” so long?

      Practice safe eating – always use condiments.

      Are people from Charlotte NC referred to as Charlatans?

      Should the skin on your forehead technically be called foreskin?

      I spilled spot remover on my dog, and now he’s gone.

      Did you hear the joke about the sidewalk? It’s all over town.

      Did you hear about the new corduroy pillows? They’re making headlines.

      Never milk a cow during a lightning storm. If the cow is hit you’ll be left holding the bag.

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    9. A dwarf, who was a mystic, escaped from jail. The call went out that there was a small medium at large.

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    10. Why do I get the feeling that Tiki has bought another domain?

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    11. Pun 1:
      There was a pun competition. I submitted 10 puns but the first one didn’t win, nor the second. In fact no pun in ten did.

      Pun 2:
      A pacific island chief used to visit all the tribes he controlled on a regular basis, and each of these tribes used to try and out do each other with gifts given to the chief. One of the tribes one day gave the chief a throne, which he really liked. Word soon spread that he liked the throne, so each tribe gave him a bigger and better throne. He had so many thrones he had to build a mezzanine floor in his grass hut. One night while he was sleeping the upper floor collapsed from the weight and crushed and killed the chief sleeping below it. The moral of the story is that people in grass houses shouldn’t stow thrones.

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    12. Are the name jokes puns?

      What do you call a man hung on the wall? Art.
      What do you call a man with no arms or legs in the ocean? Bob.
      What do you call a woman with one leg shorter than the other? Ilene.
      What do you call a Japanese woman with one leg shorter than the other? Irene.
      etc.

      I have many more if you want them.

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    13. 2 baby seals walk in to a club

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    14. horse walks into a bar. the bartenders ask “why the long face?”

      a grasshopper walks into a bar and the bartender says “you know we got a drink named after you” the grasshopper says “really? you got a drink named greg?”

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    15. Why did the monkey fall out the tree? Cause it was dead.

      Englishman, American and an iraqi at a bust stop, what a fine example of an intergrated community.

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    16. Wise man say, Man who stands on toilet high on pot.

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    17. This is not a pun, just a joke.

      A man walks into a bar, looks at the bartender and says, “I want a drink, but I have no money.”
      The bartender says, “I’ll make you a deal. I have a donkey out back. If you can make him laugh I will get you a drink on the house.”
      The man walks out back, whispers in the donkeys ear and the donkey starts laughing. He walks back in and the bartender says, “I don’t know how you did that, but here is a drink.”
      Some time goes by and the man has finished his drink. He asks the bartender for another round.
      The bartender says, “Alright, if you can make my donkey cry, I will buy you another drink.”
      The man walks back outside and stands in front of the donkey. All of the sudden the donkey starts crying.
      When the man walks back into the bar the bartender says, “Alright man, you gotta tell me your secret.”
      The man says to the bartender, “Well, when you wanted me to make the donkey laugh, I told him that I had a bigger penis than him. When you wanted me to make him cry, I proved it to him.”

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    18. Tiki:

      Safe Browsing
      Diagnostic page for nsfw.myconfinedspace.com

      What is the current listing status for nsfw.myconfinedspace.com?

      Site is listed as suspicious – visiting this web site may harm your computer.

      Part of this site was listed for suspicious activity 1 time(s) over the past 90 days.

      What happened when Google visited this site?

      Of the 14 pages we tested on the site over the past 90 days, 1 page(s) resulted in malicious software being downloaded and installed without user consent. The last time Google visited this site was on 2012-07-18, and the last time suspicious content was found on this site was on 2012-07-18.

      Malicious software is hosted on 1 domain(s), including hupmarketing.net/.

      3 domain(s) appear to be functioning as intermediaries for distributing malware to visitors of this site, including openx.org/, httpads.com/, adbrite.com/.

      This site was hosted on 1 network(s) including AS30083 (SERVER4YOU).

      Has this site acted as an intermediary resulting in further distribution of malware?

      Over the past 90 days, nsfw.myconfinedspace.com did not appear to function as an intermediary for the infection of any sites.

      Has this site hosted malware?

      No, this site has not hosted malicious software over the past 90 days.

      How did this happen?

      In some cases, third parties can add malicious code to legitimate sites, which would cause us to show the warning message.

      Next steps:

      Return to the previous page.
      If you are the owner of this web site, you can request a review of your site using Google Webmaster Tools. More information about the review process is available in Google’s Webmaster Help Center.

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    19. These are not very punny.

      I have no intention of hanging around hear and taking this punishment.

      Reply

    20. three men walked into a bar. You’d think one of them would have seen it.

      A mushroom walks into a bar an orders a drink. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve your kind”. The mushroom says, “Why not? I’m a fun-guy”.

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    21. A man’s home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

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    22. How warm does a Tan Tan keep you if you have to cut it open and use it as emergency shelter? Luke warm.

      The village elder was at least 100 years old and very frail. Plus he never wore shoes or brushed his teeth. He was a SuperCallusedFragileMysticVexedWithHalitosis.

      Reply

    23. When chemists die, they barium.

      Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

      I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

      How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

      I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

      This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore.

      I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can’t put it down.

      I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

      They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.

      PMS jokes aren’t funny; period.

      Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

      We’re going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there’s no pop quiz.

      I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

      Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?

      When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

      Broken pencils are pointless.

      I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

      What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

      England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .

      I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

      I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

      All the toilets in New York ‘s police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

      I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

      Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.

      Velcro – what a rip off!

      A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

      Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

      The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government’s fault.

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