Vampire Guide

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This is meant as a reminder of what is and isn\’t a vampire. Also stop ruining cool manly things by turning them into romance novels


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    ChenoandieAntagonistaRecord Store Tough GuyTetsuo137penguin_lady Recent comment authors
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    wartoaster
    Member

    Vampire. Predator.
    Learn the difference.
    it could save your life.

    Sticky
    Member

    There’s a supervisor at my work that fucking LOVES this shit. I argue with her nearly every shift I work with her that Twilight is fucking retarded.

    Drewlicious
    Member

    what is the other one from? I’m assuming blade because I haven’t seen any of the blade movies. I know. I’m a horrible person.

    Paul_Is_Drunk
    Member

    Vampires are manly? The modern vampire myth began in the Victorian era as a metaphor for repressed sexuality (very indicative of the Victorian era) mixed with old eastern European superstitions. Blood lust is sexual desire, plain and simple. Now, I’m no fan of Twilight, and I think it speaks to how badly the feminist movement failed, but it’s much more true to the origins of the modern vampire myth than anything from 30 Days of Night, which is a shitty movie based on a kick ass comic. “Vampire are manly…” Name me one manly goth kid. ~ An aside: WTF… Read more »

    TrAyVon'S GhOSt, nuCca
    Member

    The guy on the right isn’t a vampire. He’s the creation of vampires. Sort of a new race.

    Anyway…quit taking make believe seriously. Sorry kids but vampires aren’t real so people can portray them however the fuck they want.

    Point being the same people who would get upset over the portrayal in Twilight are the biggest fucking fa ggots you’ll ever see and make the guy on the left look like pure testosterone by comparison.

    Theo11
    Member

    I agree with Paul. Twilight sucks, but traditional vampires are usually the seductive, pretty boy, gentlemen type.

    Tetsuo137
    Member

    Has anyone stopped and wondered what would happen if our whole idea of what vampires are supposed to be would change in anyway if the vampires from Twilight would be considered the norm? Had our legends of them always been sparkling skin in sunlight, their eyes (red from human blood, gold from animal blood, black from lack of any blood) affected by their diet, and that fact that they have powers far beyond what we see in other mainstream vampire novels and movies, make us repulsed by what we currently have as vampire legends? We are so used to the… Read more »

    aarpie
    Member

    Tetsuo, you’ve actually talked me into reading the book. All of my knowledge has been on talk of the movie, which… damn… Spiceworld? Seriously? Fuck…

    But yeah… Vampires didn’t start OUT manly… they’ve sort of become that. But go read stokers dracula. Dracula was very much a pretty boy… but he scares the shit out of me.

    outofocus
    Member

    Yeah, I don’t get where the “manly” comes into play. Vampires have always been sexy… seductive… metro sexual. Mmmhmmm. They can bite me anytime.

    Having said that… Twilight sucks. Anne Rice did it better.

    rattybad
    Member

    You can always tell when some dumb shit teenager came up with the post, because their sense of history goes back as far as 1995, tops. The guy on the left is not a vampire. Vampires do not sparkle and they are not emo and they don’t waste their lives in the PNW acting like domesticated children. No one with eternal life would spend it in high school The thing on the right is not a vampire, as Blondie said. It was created by vampires (also not vampires, as such) and is about as much a “vampire” in its own… Read more »

    BadLarry13
    Member

    He’s doing the “Magnum” face from zoolander…..

    enough4
    Member
    enough4

    “Real” vampire?

    Fail.

    venek
    Member

    @BadLarry13: No, that looks more like “Blue Steel” 😛 Anyways, I like vampires. And while the Twilight guy looks like more a vampire right off the bat, (HA! pun intended?), than that open-jaw thing…I still don’t like the idea of sparkling skin. Sun = bad news for vampires, not awesome chance for glamour. vampires have always been kinda gay, in some peoples opinions. Take “Interview with the Vampire” and “underworld”. Look how fancy they all dress. I have neither read nor seen Twilight but I’m pretty sure vampires have never been manly. Except for Danny Trejo in “From Dusk till… Read more »

    sylvanish
    Member

    I think it’s more realistic to figure that there are as much variations of vampire appearance and personality as there are amongst humans. no?

    @rattybad: If I was eternally a child-vampire, schools would likely be my common hunting ground

    @outofocus: Oh yes. seconded.

    kendobunny
    Member

    harshlightofreality.blogspot.com/

    Twilight isn’t just garbage in the sense that it’s horribly written, chock-full of typos, bad grammar, and historical anachronism, but it also glorifies abusive relationships. If it was just lame, I’d have no problem with it, but making stalking, ripping a girl’s face off, falling in love with toddlers, and giving up every ambition so you can glue yourself to the prettiest, richest guy you can find out to be perfect romance?

    Kishi
    Member

    @Tetsuo137: You should be ashamed that you like Twilight. Not because you’re male, though, because no one should like that shit.

    @venek: Read about the history of the guy who Dracula was based on, he was pretty badass when alive. And a dude who terrorizes villagers while keeping three hot vampire brides around has to given some manly points, too.

    penguin_lady
    Member

    @kendobunny: Wow. The person who wrote that blog is spending WAY too much energy picking apart this book. Yikes.

    JazzyJazzyJazzHands
    Member

    Eric Powell, of The Goon, did an amazing spin on modern day vampires and their true vampire ancestors, and what would happen if said groups would meet. The comic, “The Vampire Dame Had to Die” a group of crushed velvet dressed modern vampires, consisting of very ambigous men and one fat goth chick (described as the closest to a man in the group) call upon an ancient vampire woman to exact revenge on The Goon. She is appalled by their behavior (basically they were bitten by vampires so that they could wear corsets and drink blood because it was fashionable),… Read more »

    sutenvulf
    Member

    @Kishi: werd up. Bram Stoker’s Dracula is an awesome read but at its heart a love story. An awesome, bloody, macabre love story.

    Also but IMO nothing beats Warhammer Vampires:

    comment image

    Puulaahi
    Member

    Real Vampires look like the ones in The Lost Boys.

    DUH!

    Drewlicious
    Member

    !! Will no one answer my question?!

    Paul_Is_Drunk
    Member

    @Tetsuo137: Dude… Tetsuo… I read the book. I’m the type that rented Gigli just to see how bad it is. I’ve read the Bible from front to back after dropping out of the Catholic church to better know their arguments. Don’t assume because I rip on it, that I haven’t read it. I’ve even seen the stupid film. Bella, the main character of Twilight, is an anti-feminist. She accomplishes absolutely nothing on her own, she doesn’t want to go to college so she can be with Edward, her only desire in life is to be his woman and have his… Read more »

    Paul_Is_Drunk
    Member

    @Drewlicious: Though it was 30 Days of Night, but I’m guessing it’s one of the Blade movies now. Probably 2. Someone else already said it.

    Dr.Devine
    Member

    First off, calling something that looks like it has a vagina dentata strapped to its chin manly is just ridiculous. Regardless of the fact that that freaky looking thing isn’t a real vampire, and that the vampires portrayed in blade, while some what more badass, are just as “pretty boy” as edward. \ To begin, twilight is in no way excellently written, which is exactly why it’s so fucking good. because of all the strange plot holes,overt sexual metaphors, and obvious foreshadowing, it plays out… well, like real life. That its horribly written and filled with gaps on character development… Read more »

    Dr.Devine
    Member

    And kendobunny, what the fuck. Don’t just take anything you read in the book at face value. Analyze motif an rhetoric, motherfucker.
    And paul is drunk: correct on all counts. The truth is pretty stupid, isn’t it?

    gor
    Member
    gor

    No vampire is manly (they are driven by instinct to much to be given such a noble term). To find a manly character, one only has to read the original Dracula to find the perfect example of one, Professor Abraham Van Helsing.

    Also, Paul is correct. Bella is poor example for girls, she the weak willed type that joins cults, sort of like Charlie Manson’s girls.

    Skulltimo
    Member

    I like my vampires traditional, gothic and not emo. Bella Lugosi, Christopher Lee, Gary Oldman
    All of which played Dracula differently, all of which are badasses.

    MonkeyHitman
    Member

    @Tetsuo137: a 1 movie 1 guy (2 girls 1 cup parody) lol

    kendobunny
    Member

    Dr. Devine: The deeper subtext is that a man who doesn’t respect you or know you at all is good, as long as he’s really hot, while the guy you actually fall in love with based on his treatment of you, but who is less hot, is the bad choice. The overt message is that hotness is good, personalities are bad, wealth is good, while poor people are basically animalistic. White = good, brown = bad. All women everywhere can only be fulfilled by having babies. A guy who scares you, demeans you, and stalks you is the best thing… Read more »

    RSIxidor
    Member

    Guys, you are all wrong THIS is what a vampire looks like!

    Sarcastastic
    Member

    The thing about Vampires is they aren’t manly, this is true, but they are most certainly badass and intimidating. Dracula is so purely evil that he causes the real manly character, Abraham van Helsing (as already stated), to break down and cry. THAT is most likely where the confusion comes from.

    Tetsuo137
    Member

    @Kishi: And yet I am unashamed. How odd.

    @Paul_Is_Drunk: So in your opinion the feminist movement failed because of a book that makes women wish they were stay at home wives? In the last 70 years women have marked their place in this world more than ever and you call it a failure? Because you have spoken with many, many, many women? No, sorry, you did you “I guess”. How ignorant your guessing is. You offend me.

    Tetsuo137
    Member

    You did say**

    fracked again
    Member

    I read the first few pages on Amazon. It is shit. Complete unadulterated shit. It has no redeeming value and the only social commentary one can draw from it is people have an appetite for eating shit. Being poorly written, with a weak plot, one dimensional characters, and glorified abuse is not worthy of praise, and I can only hope that the books themselves are printed on quilted, absorbent three ply, at minimum, otherwise, the excrement printed on the pages mights slide right off into your lap.

    If Miller wanted sparkle, she should have gone with faeries.

    fracked again
    Member

    sorry, Meyer. Like her name matters, except as a label for an EPA literary superfund cleanup site.

    Dr.Devine
    Member

    @tetsuo:pimpin. @RSlxidor: YES. @kendobunny: nice blog. I like how you have to scroll to the bottom of the page to figure out who wrote it… YOU. You actually took the time to go through PAGE BY FUCKING PAGE and kritik every little typo. Worst of all, you seem to have actually developed your own language to describe the happenings of the book. I mean, I read through chapter 7, and I couldn’t do anymore man. Its bloody awful. There is such a thing as asserting your opinion that a book you have read is terrible, without beating the damn thing… Read more »

    penguin_lady
    Member

    @Dr.Devine: When you say “kritik” I think you mean “critique”. I don’t think “kritik” is even a word.

    Dr.Devine
    Member

    Sorry, I debated in high school,
    It means the same thing, the spelling is just german.

    kendobunny
    Member

    Actually, I posted it into a blog because of all the requests I was getting for an easier format to link to from several message boards. I want to be able to explain in detail why the books are total crap… from the fact that Bella and Edward never have a conversation without him laughing at her or threatening her, to the fact that Bella never does anything but complain or drool over Edward. The blog are my notes for my actual dissection of the work- I need to be able to reference page numbers, conversations, quotes, etc.

    Paul_Is_Drunk
    Member

    @Tetsuo137: Little boy, I have known more women as friends, lovers, confidants, and as family than you ever will in your entire life. I have lived all over the globe, I have donated my time to abuse shelters (for both men and women), and donate more to Planned Parenthood in a year than you probably make in a month.

    So get off your high horse, stop focusing on one insignificant factor for why someone thinks this book is utter shit, and participate in an actual debate. You offend me with your knee-jerk reactionary absolutism.

    And look up the word hyperbole.

    Dr.Devine
    Member

    Oh, ok professor. So you have it in that format so that you can write a book, possibly a scholarly article, on why these particular books are “bad”. …Really? Really? Really? Are you serious? What the hell is wrong with you? Who is your intended audience for such a work? People with the same obsessive tendency to need to bit by bit pick a book to pieces for no better reason than because you can? What do you expect to gain from it? Other than +100 internets for being the only “nega” fanboy in the universe? @Paul_Is_Drunk: To be fair,… Read more »

    Paul_Is_Drunk
    Member

    @Dr.Devine: Fair point.

    Kishi
    Member

    @Tetsuo137: Then you obviously have no sense of shame or taste, and I pity all those around you. Besides, the book isn’t a feminist failure because it makes women want to be stay-at-home wives, it’s a failure because it convinces them that a controlling, emotionally abusive relationship is the epitome of love.

    MonkeyHitman
    Member

    @penguin_lady: it is the same word 😛 en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kritik

    penguin_lady
    Member

    @ColombianMonkey: Psh…you and your “wikipedia”…

    MonkeyHitman
    Member
    Corndoggeh
    Member

    I thought Twilight was cool. Flame…..now…

    penguin_lady
    Member

    @ColombianMonkey: Ah…thanks Monkey for the Spongebob. I needed that!

    Just This Guy, You Know?
    Member

    Haven’t read the whole thread, but for a really interesting take on vampires, check out the Dresden Files. The Red Court, White Court, and Black Court make Edwards ilk look like rank amateurs.

    Tetsuo137
    Member

    @Paul_Is_Drunk: I was not aware that a prerequisite for judging wether a movement has failed or not, is knowing more women as friends, lovers, confidants, and as family than someone else ever will in their entire life. I guess I better shut the fuck up because I haven’t lived all over the globe and I haven’t donated time to abuse shelters. Because as we can all see, you having done this has total relevence to the…how did you put it? The “actual debate”. You may love or hate that book, that is your call and I have no problem with… Read more »

    dieAntagonista
    Guest

    Why hello there. I come from the place, where this myth of a vampire originated. The first man who was supposedly a vampire, was just that. A man. There is a whole story to what supposedly happened, I’m sure the majority knows it. But basically, it was just a man who went crazy with his enemies, rammed weapons through their heads, causing a massive storm of blood all over the place. But he was still just a man. So like Blondie said, it’s not “unrealistic” to portray a vampire as a good looking man. In fact it’s unrealistic to portray… Read more »

    Just This Guy, You Know?
    Member

    @dieAntagonista: Unless you portray one group as humans, one group as blood drinking animated corpses, and another as freaky mutant bat creatures that can assume the shape of humans. Seriously. Read the Dresden files.

    dieAntagonista
    Guest

    @Record Store Tough Guy: Sir yes sir. If I can get my hands on them, that is!

    Chenoan
    Member

    ….Robert Pattison’s attractive?!
    Where are you getting your information!!?



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