Vampire Guide

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This is meant as a reminder of what is and isn\’t a vampire. Also stop ruining cool manly things by turning them into romance novels

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    54 Responses to Vampire Guide

    1. Vampire. Predator.
      Learn the difference.
      it could save your life.

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    2. There’s a supervisor at my work that fucking LOVES this shit. I argue with her nearly every shift I work with her that Twilight is fucking retarded.

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    3. what is the other one from? I’m assuming blade because I haven’t seen any of the blade movies. I know. I’m a horrible person.

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    4. Vampires are manly?

      The modern vampire myth began in the Victorian era as a metaphor for repressed sexuality (very indicative of the Victorian era) mixed with old eastern European superstitions. Blood lust is sexual desire, plain and simple.

      Now, I’m no fan of Twilight, and I think it speaks to how badly the feminist movement failed, but it’s much more true to the origins of the modern vampire myth than anything from 30 Days of Night, which is a shitty movie based on a kick ass comic.

      “Vampire are manly…”
      Name me one manly goth kid.
      ~
      An aside: WTF is with these Internal 500 Errors? Every time I forget to Ctrl+C my reply before I send it get one of those. Frustrating. (Watch. This will now post twice).

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    5. The guy on the right isn’t a vampire. He’s the creation of vampires. Sort of a new race.

      Anyway…quit taking make believe seriously. Sorry kids but vampires aren’t real so people can portray them however the fuck they want.

      Point being the same people who would get upset over the portrayal in Twilight are the biggest fucking fa ggots you’ll ever see and make the guy on the left look like pure testosterone by comparison.

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    6. I agree with Paul. Twilight sucks, but traditional vampires are usually the seductive, pretty boy, gentlemen type.

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    7. Has anyone stopped and wondered what would happen if our whole idea of what vampires are supposed to be would change in anyway if the vampires from Twilight would be considered the norm? Had our legends of them always been sparkling skin in sunlight, their eyes (red from human blood, gold from animal blood, black from lack of any blood) affected by their diet, and that fact that they have powers far beyond what we see in other mainstream vampire novels and movies, make us repulsed by what we currently have as vampire legends? We are so used to the wooden stake in the heart, garlic, sleeping in coffins, etc. that to be shown a different take on vampires seems almost repulsive. In later times, movies have subtly changed certain things that we attribute to vampires, such as wooden stakes and crosses, whereas other movies have kept the classics.

      Coming from a male perspective, I have no shame in admitting that I have both read and completely enjoyed the entire Twilight saga. It is beautifully written, and the fourth book is especially of interest because it is an awesome culmination of all things, no loose ends are left hanging, and the ending feels very fulfilling. I wonder Paul, did the feminist movement really fail?

      For those who have only seen the Twilight movie and not read the book, don’t pass judgement on Twilight based on the movie, I have seen it, and honestly I would rather drink liquid shit from me own arse than to ever watch that movie again. I would have a much better time watching Spice World. Five times in a row.

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    8. Tetsuo, you’ve actually talked me into reading the book. All of my knowledge has been on talk of the movie, which… damn… Spiceworld? Seriously? Fuck…

      But yeah… Vampires didn’t start OUT manly… they’ve sort of become that. But go read stokers dracula. Dracula was very much a pretty boy… but he scares the shit out of me.

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    9. Yeah, I don’t get where the “manly” comes into play. Vampires have always been sexy… seductive… metro sexual. Mmmhmmm. They can bite me anytime.

      Having said that… Twilight sucks. Anne Rice did it better.

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    10. You can always tell when some dumb shit teenager came up with the post, because their sense of history goes back as far as 1995, tops.

      The guy on the left is not a vampire. Vampires do not sparkle and they are not emo and they don’t waste their lives in the PNW acting like domesticated children. No one with eternal life would spend it in high school

      The thing on the right is not a vampire, as Blondie said. It was created by vampires (also not vampires, as such) and is about as much a “vampire” in its own right as the guy on the left.

      Nosferatu, Dracula, the red-haired suicides of Easter Europe and whatever else you’ve got—these are the stuff of legend, myth and folktale. Edward from Twilight and whatever-the-fuck that thing is from Blade is just Hollywood bullshit trying to make a buck.

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    11. He’s doing the “Magnum” face from zoolander…..

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    12. @BadLarry13: No, that looks more like “Blue Steel” 😛 Anyways, I like vampires. And while the Twilight guy looks like more a vampire right off the bat, (HA! pun intended?), than that open-jaw thing…I still don’t like the idea of sparkling skin. Sun = bad news for vampires, not awesome chance for glamour. vampires have always been kinda gay, in some peoples opinions. Take “Interview with the Vampire” and “underworld”. Look how fancy they all dress. I have neither read nor seen Twilight but I’m pretty sure vampires have never been manly. Except for Danny Trejo in “From Dusk till Dawn”. Anyways, I don’t really have a point; I was just chit-chatting.

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    13. I think it’s more realistic to figure that there are as much variations of vampire appearance and personality as there are amongst humans. no?

      @rattybad: If I was eternally a child-vampire, schools would likely be my common hunting ground

      @outofocus: Oh yes. seconded.

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    14. harshlightofreality.blogspot.com/

      Twilight isn’t just garbage in the sense that it’s horribly written, chock-full of typos, bad grammar, and historical anachronism, but it also glorifies abusive relationships. If it was just lame, I’d have no problem with it, but making stalking, ripping a girl’s face off, falling in love with toddlers, and giving up every ambition so you can glue yourself to the prettiest, richest guy you can find out to be perfect romance?

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    15. @Tetsuo137: You should be ashamed that you like Twilight. Not because you’re male, though, because no one should like that shit.

      @venek: Read about the history of the guy who Dracula was based on, he was pretty badass when alive. And a dude who terrorizes villagers while keeping three hot vampire brides around has to given some manly points, too.

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    16. @kendobunny: Wow. The person who wrote that blog is spending WAY too much energy picking apart this book. Yikes.

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    17. Eric Powell, of The Goon, did an amazing spin on modern day vampires and their true vampire ancestors, and what would happen if said groups would meet. The comic, “The Vampire Dame Had to Die” a group of crushed velvet dressed modern vampires, consisting of very ambigous men and one fat goth chick (described as the closest to a man in the group) call upon an ancient vampire woman to exact revenge on The Goon.

      She is appalled by their behavior (basically they were bitten by vampires so that they could wear corsets and drink blood because it was fashionable), and kills them out of pure irritation.

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    18. @Kishi: werd up. Bram Stoker’s Dracula is an awesome read but at its heart a love story. An awesome, bloody, macabre love story.

      Also but IMO nothing beats Warhammer Vampires:

      media.photobucket.com/image/blood%20dragon%20vampire/maximayres/blood-dragon-art.jpg

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    19. Real Vampires look like the ones in The Lost Boys.

      DUH!

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    20. !! Will no one answer my question?!

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    21. @Tetsuo137: Dude…

      Tetsuo…

      I read the book.

      I’m the type that rented Gigli just to see how bad it is. I’ve read the Bible from front to back after dropping out of the Catholic church to better know their arguments. Don’t assume because I rip on it, that I haven’t read it. I’ve even seen the stupid film.

      Bella, the main character of Twilight, is an anti-feminist. She accomplishes absolutely nothing on her own, she doesn’t want to go to college so she can be with Edward, her only desire in life is to be his woman and have his children, and she’s not above sacrificing everything else in her life to get it. She literally cannot live without Edwin, and becomes suicidal the many times she loses him. She will throw away family, friends, her life to be with a man whose only distinguishing characteristic (sorry, he’s also rich) is that he looks good. He’s a fucking jerk who treats her like shit, and she loves him for it, because he’s pretty.

      That’s just the sad, pathetic relationship.

      The book itself is terribly written. The nice guy who falls for her ends up in love and promising to wed her newborn, who Edwin eats out of her uterus? WHAT THE FUCK?!!

      What I don’t get is why this book is literally 16% of all book sales the last 3 months. I stole a PDF online because I refuse to give this lady any money. I guess many, many, many women just wish they were some pretty boy’s loving stay at home wife. It’s sad, and speaks to how bad the feminist movement failed.

      And vampires were never manly.

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    22. @Drewlicious: Though it was 30 Days of Night, but I’m guessing it’s one of the Blade movies now. Probably 2. Someone else already said it.

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    23. First off, calling something that looks like it has a vagina dentata strapped to its chin manly is just ridiculous. Regardless of the fact that that freaky looking thing isn’t a real vampire, and that the vampires portrayed in blade, while some what more badass, are just as “pretty boy” as edward. \
      To begin, twilight is in no way excellently written, which is exactly why it’s so fucking good. because of all the strange plot holes,overt sexual metaphors, and obvious foreshadowing, it plays out… well, like real life. That its horribly written and filled with gaps on character development and just general description lets the reader truly mold the book to what they want out of it., Which, sort of obviously, seems to cater towards the pretty boy. Thats more of a result of the times we live in than any true portrayal of what Edward actually looks like. I mean, come on. Who actually has read the book and exactly pictured Robert pattinson? I don’t think anyone, but maybe the director of that awful movie, who didn’t even read the book/script most likely.
      Its just that the target demographic of that book and the eventual movie was preteen/ teen girls, who are in the era of jonas brothers and other extremely “sensitive” pretty boy type models, more likely to base the ideal male off of their surrounding stimuli and the other overt suggestions society gives them about the perfect guy.

      Straight off, vampires in popular culture/culture in general were never meant to be held exclusively to any particular gender qualities. The value they were given as monsters in movies like blade are more of us holding an unconscious jealousy to their freedom to do whatever the fuck they want, which in that case, was run fucking everything, and herd humans like the sheep we are. Of course, in order to make us hate the idea enough that we ignore vampires, we had to proscribe certatin limiting/ weakening attributes to them. Which in victorian europe, was easy enough. We gave them sexual freedom, limitless strength, and freedom of form. In exchange, they were weakened by the presence of the things they overtly weren’t. Namely, the cross, a symbol of the church, which had a lot to do with the sexual repression that spawned the idea in the first place; garlic, which was used in medieval times previous as a deodorant, also very much to do with concepts of human insecurity, and they are addicted to blood. which is a fairly obvious metaphor for sex.
      I mean, the weaknesses, strengths, behaviors and appearances, which change with each interpretation, are nothing compared with the universal theme: that the vampires are, at the end of the day, to free, and thus they must be bad. Twilight even cops to this, and its fucking protagonist is a vampire. It just keeps traveling down the same fucking early protestant/ puritanical values of expression of your sexuality and any sort of power over yourself/ others is bad, and should be left to the good. And yet…. do the good guys ever get a lasting win in these depictions. Not a question. We all know the answer is no.
      Blade has been killing these fuckers for four movies and god knows how many comic books, the evil hierarchy of human-eaters in twilight are still in power, and we refuse through it all, to let the original Dracula die. In the first book on this subject, stoker had him fucking killed. And yet, in almost every interpretation of vampires since, the fucker keeps coming back. And why do the “good guys” never win? I mean, besides the fact that that would eliminate the possibility of sequels?
      BECAUSE WE DON”T WANT THEM TOO.
      If vampires are a general example of the freedom to do whatever you want, then killing them off entirely means killing off all hope to escape what binds you. So, while technically in support of the general values of protestantism, the fact that these fuckers keep coming back is an obvious sign that humans aren’t comfortable in the system, unconsciously, and would very much enjoy a change.
      And I’ve said my piece.
      In case you missed it, my opinion on the picture is that it is a flasehood, and the book is poorly written enough that it allows ambiguity for the reader to project whichever features they’d like on the vampires. Which, as the reader base of twilight are highly impressionable 12-16 year olds, unsurprisingly ends up looking like the bastard love-child of the three jonas brothers and a young brad pitt. And has the same mannerisms of a sensitive preteen/teen girl. Duh.
      I guess whoever dreamed up the thing on the right had a fetish for teeth in his vagina. kinky.
      and…. I’m done.

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    24. And kendobunny, what the fuck. Don’t just take anything you read in the book at face value. Analyze motif an rhetoric, motherfucker.
      And paul is drunk: correct on all counts. The truth is pretty stupid, isn’t it?

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    25. No vampire is manly (they are driven by instinct to much to be given such a noble term). To find a manly character, one only has to read the original Dracula to find the perfect example of one, Professor Abraham Van Helsing.

      Also, Paul is correct. Bella is poor example for girls, she the weak willed type that joins cults, sort of like Charlie Manson’s girls.

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    26. I like my vampires traditional, gothic and not emo. Bella Lugosi, Christopher Lee, Gary Oldman
      All of which played Dracula differently, all of which are badasses.

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    27. @Tetsuo137: a 1 movie 1 guy (2 girls 1 cup parody) lol

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    28. Dr. Devine: The deeper subtext is that a man who doesn’t respect you or know you at all is good, as long as he’s really hot, while the guy you actually fall in love with based on his treatment of you, but who is less hot, is the bad choice. The overt message is that hotness is good, personalities are bad, wealth is good, while poor people are basically animalistic. White = good, brown = bad. All women everywhere can only be fulfilled by having babies. A guy who scares you, demeans you, and stalks you is the best thing of all, because weak woman things need to know their place… which is having babies and having sex.

      That, and convert to Mormonism. Stephenie Meyer isn’t even smart enough to keep track of the specific dates she puts in her book: I highly doubt she was smart enough to use the books poisonous messages as a “motif”.

      And… Robert Pattison read the books after being cast, and thought they were garbage. His best quote: “When you read the book, it’s like, ‘Edward Cullen was so beautiful I creamed myself.’ I mean, every line is like that.”

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    29. Guys, you are all wrong THIS is what a vampire looks like!

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    30. The thing about Vampires is they aren’t manly, this is true, but they are most certainly badass and intimidating. Dracula is so purely evil that he causes the real manly character, Abraham van Helsing (as already stated), to break down and cry. THAT is most likely where the confusion comes from.

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    31. @Kishi: And yet I am unashamed. How odd.

      @Paul_Is_Drunk: So in your opinion the feminist movement failed because of a book that makes women wish they were stay at home wives? In the last 70 years women have marked their place in this world more than ever and you call it a failure? Because you have spoken with many, many, many women? No, sorry, you did you “I guess”. How ignorant your guessing is. You offend me.

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    32. I read the first few pages on Amazon. It is shit. Complete unadulterated shit. It has no redeeming value and the only social commentary one can draw from it is people have an appetite for eating shit. Being poorly written, with a weak plot, one dimensional characters, and glorified abuse is not worthy of praise, and I can only hope that the books themselves are printed on quilted, absorbent three ply, at minimum, otherwise, the excrement printed on the pages mights slide right off into your lap.

      If Miller wanted sparkle, she should have gone with faeries.

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    33. sorry, Meyer. Like her name matters, except as a label for an EPA literary superfund cleanup site.

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    34. @tetsuo:pimpin.
      @RSlxidor: YES.
      @kendobunny: nice blog. I like how you have to scroll to the bottom of the page to figure out who wrote it… YOU.
      You actually took the time to go through PAGE BY FUCKING PAGE and kritik every little typo. Worst of all, you seem to have actually developed your own language to describe the happenings of the book.
      I mean, I read through chapter 7, and I couldn’t do anymore man.
      Its bloody awful. There is such a thing as asserting your opinion that a book you have read is terrible, without beating the damn thing to a pulp.
      I’d like you to take notice that no one is ever going to read that blog the whole way through. It would be impossible. I mean, you seem to be jiving Meyer for not writing well, and yet, your kritik of her work reads like fucking javascript.
      You should probably start attending therapy, you obsessive freak.

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    35. @Dr.Devine: When you say “kritik” I think you mean “critique”. I don’t think “kritik” is even a word.

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    36. Sorry, I debated in high school,
      It means the same thing, the spelling is just german.

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    37. Actually, I posted it into a blog because of all the requests I was getting for an easier format to link to from several message boards. I want to be able to explain in detail why the books are total crap… from the fact that Bella and Edward never have a conversation without him laughing at her or threatening her, to the fact that Bella never does anything but complain or drool over Edward. The blog are my notes for my actual dissection of the work- I need to be able to reference page numbers, conversations, quotes, etc.

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    38. @Tetsuo137: Little boy, I have known more women as friends, lovers, confidants, and as family than you ever will in your entire life. I have lived all over the globe, I have donated my time to abuse shelters (for both men and women), and donate more to Planned Parenthood in a year than you probably make in a month.

      So get off your high horse, stop focusing on one insignificant factor for why someone thinks this book is utter shit, and participate in an actual debate. You offend me with your knee-jerk reactionary absolutism.

      And look up the word hyperbole.

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    39. Oh, ok professor. So you have it in that format so that you can write a book, possibly a scholarly article, on why these particular books are “bad”.
      …Really?
      Really?
      Really?
      Are you serious?
      What the hell is wrong with you?
      Who is your intended audience for such a work? People with the same obsessive tendency to need to bit by bit pick a book to pieces for no better reason than because you can?
      What do you expect to gain from it?
      Other than +100 internets for being the only “nega” fanboy in the universe?

      @Paul_Is_Drunk: To be fair, you only seem to have focused on one particular area of the debate, that is, the bit about twilight attesting to how badly the feminist movement had failed. And I’m not in any way saying that tetsuo’s response wasn’t slightly idealistic and juvenile.

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    40. @Tetsuo137: Then you obviously have no sense of shame or taste, and I pity all those around you. Besides, the book isn’t a feminist failure because it makes women want to be stay-at-home wives, it’s a failure because it convinces them that a controlling, emotionally abusive relationship is the epitome of love.

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    41. @ColombianMonkey: Psh…you and your “wikipedia”…

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    42. I thought Twilight was cool. Flame…..now…

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    43. @ColombianMonkey: Ah…thanks Monkey for the Spongebob. I needed that!

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    44. Haven’t read the whole thread, but for a really interesting take on vampires, check out the Dresden Files. The Red Court, White Court, and Black Court make Edwards ilk look like rank amateurs.

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    45. @Paul_Is_Drunk: I was not aware that a prerequisite for judging wether a movement has failed or not, is knowing more women as friends, lovers, confidants, and as family than someone else ever will in their entire life. I guess I better shut the fuck up because I haven’t lived all over the globe and I haven’t donated time to abuse shelters. Because as we can all see, you having done this has total relevence to the…how did you put it? The “actual debate”.

      You may love or hate that book, that is your call and I have no problem with that, I made my point that I liked it, and that not all people should judge it based on simply seeing the movie. Whatever they think of it after that is their own affair.

      My focus has shifted over to the fact that you said that you think it speaks to how badly the feminist movement failed. And then you turn around and tell me to look up hyperbole. Fool. Where in your whole point was the hyperbole? The fact that the feminist movement failed? What a clever way to weasel ones way out of a debate. I will remember to pull the hyperbole card next time.

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    46. Why hello there.

      I come from the place, where this myth of a vampire originated.

      The first man who was supposedly a vampire, was just that. A man. There is a whole story to what supposedly happened, I’m sure the majority knows it. But basically, it was just a man who went crazy with his enemies, rammed weapons through their heads, causing a massive storm of blood all over the place.
      But he was still just a man. So like Blondie said, it’s not “unrealistic” to portray a vampire as a good looking man. In fact it’s unrealistic to portray them as anything else, but a man.

      @Paul_Is_Drunk:

      Hasty assumptions. Not cool.

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    47. @dieAntagonista: Unless you portray one group as humans, one group as blood drinking animated corpses, and another as freaky mutant bat creatures that can assume the shape of humans. Seriously. Read the Dresden files.

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    48. @Record Store Tough Guy: Sir yes sir. If I can get my hands on them, that is!

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    49. ….Robert Pattison’s attractive?!
      Where are you getting your information!!?

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