I’d prepare for it for a few months in advance. First, I’d require extensive modification to my esophagus and trachea; the trachea would have to be routed directly to my sinuses so I don’t choke to death, and it would have to be reinforced so as not to be squeezed shut while I’m eating.

Next I would have to dislocate my lower jaw repeatedly. More surgery might be necessary here to allow me to do this at will, and to retain control over my jaw while it’s dislocated. Many snakes do this; they can eat something larger than their own head by dislocating their jaw. I’ll perform daily exercises designed to stretch and strengthen my muscles, tendons and cheeks.

Finally, when the big day arrives, I’ll be ready. I’ll order the Super Andy Burger, and with a team of cameramen, reporters and paramedics standing by, I’ll dislocate my jaw one last time, lower my gaping mouth over the burger, and pick up the entire thing whole. I won’t be able to chew it very well, but I can let saliva soften it somewhat for a few minutes. Then I’ll begin to swallow it, an ordeal that may take hours to complete. My trachea modifications will allow me to breathe through my nose the whole time — hopefully I don’t have a cold that day!

At last, when most of the burger has been swallowed, I can pop my jaw back into place and quickly chew and swallow the rest. I’ll issue a press release, take some questions from the reporters, pose for photos, sign a few autographs, and thank the paramedics for being there in case things went wrong.

Later that evening, I’ll purge.